As much as I say I want to adopt a child someday, I am really struggling around Tiny’s future right now.
It’s unclear whether she will get to go home or not. Ultimately the decision on whether she goes home is not up to us. Not even a little bit. But I’m living with the uncertainty and worrying because that’s what I do.
When I’ve thought of adopting kids out of foster care I’ve always assumed it would be a cut and dry case where it was clear a child could not go back home. Unfortunately life isn’t black and white ever. Darnit. This is the grayest of cases.
How could we raise a child who has been separated from her culture and language and the family whom she loves? It’s a monumentally daunting idea. I know it happens but transracial adoption is a tricky thing. At some point she would likely feel she had lost a lot of her identity by being adopted out of her culture. And how could she cope with being separated from her siblings and her Mom?
I don’t want to lose this child I love so much but far more than that I want what is best for her. What’s best for her is going home… but it’s unclear if that is going to happen.
Morally I think we are tasked with seeing if there are additional things we can do to support her Mom to see if a return is possible. But that too is a daunting task because there are language and cultural and technological barriers to communicating with Tiny’s Mom. I know I won’t be able to live with myself if I don’t try to do *something* but again, what that something is is a bit unclear, especially during a pandemic. Can we provide enough support to her family to make return happen and make it safe for the long term? I just don’t know.
I’ve been YouTubing lots of videos by adoptees and talking with adopted friends to find out how they feel about their adoptions and what things adoptive families can do to help kids feel ok about their situation. The adoptee experience varies so widely it’s incredible. Some adoptees literally wish they had been aborted rather than adopted. That just hurts my heart so much. Others are pretty comfortable with their experiences and happy for their loving adoptive families. And literally everything in between.
I’ve gathered a few things so far that are themes among transracial adoptees, in no particular order:
- Talk About Race. Make it a daily conversation in the household. Make it clear it’s an open topic of discussion and hold space for the adoptee to bring up questions and talk about their experiences.
- Talk about the adoption and make it clear the adoptee can have Big Feelings about adoption that aren’t warm and fuzzy. Hold space for their grief and loss and sadness and anger and let them feel it without burdening them with your own feelings of sadness that they feel the way they do.
- Don’t “celebrate” the adoption in any way that makes the adoptee feel like they should be all happy about it.
- Do everything possible to help kids understand and experience the culture they’ve been separated from. Cook the foods, provide opportunities to learn the language, provide opportunities to be a part of community cultural events, provide mentors, etc.
- Provide opportunities for the adoptee to spend time with other adoptees so they have peers they can relate to. Interestingly, summer camps are apparently a great way to do this, especially if you can find one that is related to their culture of origin.
- And perhaps most importantly, where possible, keep it an open adoption where there is still connection with the first family. Studies show that open adoptions tend to lead to better outcomes. As one YouTube adoptive parent put it: “People think that they own kids but I don’t believe that. We’re here to steward children. More love isn’t hurting anyone… you [have to be] humble enough to hear your child call someone else Mom or Dad.”
Here’s the video the quote comes from. Be prepared with tissues.
Whether it’s Tiny or another child, I need to be prepared to do my absolute best for an adopted child in case it ever happens. I’ll keep reading blogs and watching videos and seeking out the voices of adoptees to know what I can do to help an adopted child should we ever adopt.
Were you adopted? Are there things I got wrong in my list? Are there things I should add to my list? Please feel free to comment below if you would like! I want a longer bullet list of things we should do to help a child adopted out of foster care. Bring on the hard work! I’m ready for it.
Also, here are just a few other videos featuring the voices of adoptees:
sprinklesonachaoscupcake.com 