I’ve got a three year old and a 1 year old in the house on the daily, and a 9 year old on weekends. That’s a lot of kid time.
I think of myself as a good parent. My kids’ physical needs are always met, and met well. When kids come to us they’re often kind of gray around the edges, underweight, and needy. Within a short period of time we watch them grow rosy and fill out, and they start sleeping and eating and playing better because their stress levels have gone down. Our kids get lots of affection, a strict predictable schedule, good food, safe toys to play with, and firm boundaries of behavior that give them comfort and predictability.
We’ve seen time and again that kids thrive in our care. Even little Dude, who has only been with us for three weeks, has noticeably changed. He’s rosy cheeked and chubbier and gigglier and more confident. He’s lost the circles under his eyes and is no longer hoarse from being allowed to cry for long periods. He’s sleeping soundly through the night.
Seth is without question the fun parent. He loves to get down on the floor and play with the kids. He’s the parent who plays hide and seek, who gets climbed on, who tickles, who swings kids upside down, who is silly and goofy and gets rich belly laughs from the kids. He pretends to be a monster or a villain and stomps after them to delighted shrieks. He reads them books using goofy voices, and is just generally silly with them. Play comes naturally to him and he loves it and the kids love it too. He’s the rough houser, and the pretend play-er.
I, on the other hand, like play not at all. I DO get ridden like a pony and tickle and get into nerf gun fights. I will pretend to eat play food my kids have made me when they hand it to me. But for the most part I don’t initiate imaginative play with the kids and internally groan through it waiting for it to be over soon. I tend to play in 5 minute bursts then go back to adulting because 5 minutes at a time is about all I can take.
Imaginative play is the worst. Pretending a toy superhero is saving the day? Gah. Pretending to have a tea party? Double gah. Sword fight pretending I’m a pirate? Holy god, how long do I have to do it for?
Imaginative play isn’t in my nature.
That said, I do other things with the kids. I take them to Starbucks for creme Frappuccinos and we sing like maniacs in the car on the way there. I read them lots of books. I color with them. I take them to Legoland. I make slime with them, much to Seth’s dismay. I tend to do activities, not imaginative play. The 9 year old says I’m “the fun parent,” which thrills me no end considering how much I hate imaginative play with the kids.
For a long time I thought I was the bad parent because I hate imaginative play. I’d make myself do it for long periods of time and hate every minute. Then I’d make excuses not to do it for days at a time. And all the while I’d feel like a bad parent for not wanting to play with my kids.
I’ve come to realize that’s bullshit. Lots of parents hate imaginative play. And that’s totally ok and it does not make us bad parents.
You know what the CDC recommends? That you play with your kids in a kid-focused way 10 minutes a day.
For real.
I’m out ahead of that even on my least play-ey days.
So Moms and Dads who hate to engage in imaginative play? I see you. And you’re doing just fine. Make yourself do it for 11 minutes a day to beat that CDC recommendation and call it good. Or go do some activities with the kids that don’t make your soul shrivel. Read them a book, snuggle with them on the couch while watching a Pixar movie, talk to them about their day. It all counts. Let them help around the house as you do chores – they like feeling important. There are lots of ways to bond with kids and meet their needs for your attention without making yourself feel crazy. And no, there’s nothing wrong with you for feeing like playing with your kids imaginatively will break your brain.
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