I’m strongly in favor of open adoptions – in the vast majority of cases – for so many reasons, primarily because there’s abundant research that now shows it is healthiest for the kids, and it should all be about the kids.
Times have changed. This is not the 80s when adoptions were usually closed. We know better now because of the research, so can do better.
There are a million ways for that openness to look. There can be visits or phone calls, ranging from occasional contact, to a blending of families, and everything in between.
We are headed toward adoption of the precious little 4-year-old girl I refer to as Sprout. It’s not an infant adoption, it’s through foster care. Does that change things with regard to openness? After all, her Mama screwed up. That’s why she’s in foster care.
No. No, it does not change a thing. This is going to be the openest of adoptions.
If Mama surrenders Sprout and voluntarily relinquishes her parental rights, which is suddenly back on the table as a possibility, we will agree to legally binding twice annual visits between Mom and child. In reality, we are aiming for monthly visits at least, but we’d be legally bound to making at least those two visits happen.
If Mom does not relinquish her rights she’s going to lose her legal right to see her youngest daughter and I am praying we do not go that route for so many reasons. But you know what? We have her phone number and her address and her brother’s phone number and there’s no way we are going to let this child lose contact with her Mama if we have any say in things.
Sprout already knows her Mama. She misses her with a fundamental need that is awe inspiring. They don’t speak the same language anymore – Mama speaks Burmese and Arabic and Thai. Sprout speaks only English at this point, but honestly it doesn’t seem to matter. They are attached deeply and profoundly. They need each other. Sprout has been with us more than half her life and was a tiny infant when she was with her Mama, but that doesn’t matter. We humans tend to discount the experiences of other humans in utero and early infancy by saying they “won’t remember” things, but my experience is that kids remember things in a primal way that is deeper than memories they can recall. It’s amazing to witness.
Sprout is also profoundly attached to my husband and me. We are the parents she remembers and relies on to meet all her needs. We are the ones who feed and clothe and play with and bathe and teach and comfort and have fun with her on a daily basis. She knows she is safe with us and can rely on us and that creates a different kind of bond, no less fundamental over time. This 4-year-old needs her Mama and her Mommy and her Daddy. All of us.
We are still foster parents for now though, even if adoption is the direction things are heading for Sprout. Visits right now with Mama are twice a month. We just got permission in court yesterday to supervise visits ourselves, so now we can take Sprout and her sister Sunny to visit their Mama two hours away on weekends and days off from school. Then the agencies will also arrange a visit each month, typically during the week. Visits had been being done twice a month by the agencies but that meant the girls missing two full days of school each month for visits which was way too much.
I think this will be better for the girls in several ways. For one, obviously, they miss less school. For another, it will help us build bridges of understanding with Mama if we are there supervising the visits. We don’t speak any of the languages Mama speaks, either, but Sprout’s sister Sunny, and her other three siblings do. They work hard to be good translators and get excited about being able to do so. If we are going to maintain a strong bond between Mama and Sprout after adoption, the more we know Mama and the more she trusts us, the better.
After all, we are a triad of parents. Three grownups who love this little girl body and soul and who need to work together to raise her well. We’re in. I think Mama is going to be in too, to the best of her ability. We’ll need some luck and some patience, but I believe that our bond to Sprout will carry us through.
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