We’ve noticed over the years that a common theme in our kids coming into foster care is a deep need for undivided attention.
I think there are a lot of different reasons for this. A lot of kids coming into care are coming from pretty extreme poverty, and quite frankly, an impoverished parent desperately trying to hang on isn’t likely to spend tons of joyful playtime with their kids. They have too much to worry about.
I think an even bigger factor, though, is cycles of abuse and neglect. Of the parents we’ve worked with, the majority have spent time in foster care themselves. Let that sink in. THE MAJORITY. It’s not just drugs and poverty, it’s generations of dysfunction that the “system” isn’t doing well at improving upon. What that means, practically speaking, is a lot of parents whose kids wind up in the system have never experienced good parenting and simply don’t know how to do it, or have the emotional resources to do it given their own past trauma.
The majority of the kids we have had have soaked up affection and attention like they’re a dry well, and we are life-giving water. I’m not thinking of the toddlers here – they’re just demanding as hell by nature. I’m thinking of the older kids, ages 4 – 16.
It means sometimes our kids are tiring to parent because they don’t want to entertain themselves – they understandably spend their time being needy. As someone who is an introvert, that means pushing my limits at times. Snuggling for HOURS on the couch watching horrible tv shows, 15 zillion hugs a day, a constant need for reassurance that they’re loved – these are all signs to me that kids have missed out on some much needed parent time/attention, and are needing to fill up their love batteries.
Something else we see at times is indiscriminate affection seeking. A child who hasn’t gotten enough love, stability, security, and affirmation will often latch onto strangers. Attachment disorder is a term that’s thrown around a lot but it’s a real thing, and indiscriminately seeking affection from abject strangers can be a sign of it.
We experienced a little of this attention seeking behavior yesterday. We went to visit Mama and the three other siblings at Mama’s house. The younger boy, who is 5, just ran around being wild with Sprout. They’re a force to be reckoned with when they’re together – holy! Anyway, the other two kids, who are 11 and 13, sat close to Seth and me and soaked up every ounce of attention we could pay them. We had our ears talked off! It was very sweet, but also concerning that they’re still not getting the attention they need in their current situation.
In general, I’m a bundle of guilt about not having any of the other kids in our home, especially the oldest sister who has medical needs that are even greater than Sprout and Sunny’s. She’s the sweetest kid, and I worry about her constantly. She needs a tremendous amount of care and I have my own fatigue limits, Seth has laid down the law to say no more kids to preserve his own sanity, we couldn’t fit her in our vehicle, we don’t have a ground floor bedroom for her which she will need as she experiences surgeries… it’s just all somehow too much. But my heart is aching for this sweet girl, and praying she is getting “enough” attention and affection to make it out of the system functional.
Anyway, I digress. With regard to attention seeking, it is a joy to watch kids grow more satiated over time, to gain confidence and security, to lessen their needs for nonstop attention and affection. It turns out love batteries can be filled; it just takes a lot of time and love and effort. We are in the early stages with Sunny and she still needs a lot of affection and attention, but in just 4 months we’ve already seen some improvement in her confidence and sense of independence. I look forward to watching her grow further and learn to seek fulfillment of her needs from healthy sources.
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