Visit Blues

Visits are hellaciously hard.

Leading up to the girls’ visit with their family today, I could feel the tension climbing. They fought more about stupid things, and Sunny’s mood soured. She got short tempered and cranky, biting her sister’s head off at regular intervals, and sniping at me with anything she could think of to hurt me.

Why? I don’t know. I would guess it was a mix of worrying about whether things would be the same when they got there, whether it would be hard to leave again, and whether it was betraying her Mama to love me or feel any happiness here. That’s just a guess.

We packed hijabs and put on the girls’ gold necklaces that say “Allah” in Arabic. They wore leggings and tees, ready to put on the new dresses their Mama had gotten them. Then we wound up leaving early because killing time is no fun and they were so excited to go.

It’s a two hour drive, and they asked if we were there yet possibly 100 times.

The visit itself was a bit strange. I was expecting their relative with the other three siblings to come to it, but they never arrived and no one explained why. (I’m super sad about this because seeing their siblings was something they were very excited about.) But after being very shy for the first 45 minutes, the girls warmed up and had fun with their cousins. We ate good food, including some kind of sweet tangy coconut soup with noodles that I need to find a recipe for. And the girls took turns snuggling with their Mama.

Eventually, long after the two hour visit requirement had passed, Sprout was getting super tired as it was well into nap time. Mama kept asking if it was time yet, and looking out the window. I couldn’t tell if she wanted us to go or stay but I never want to overstay our welcome. So I told the girls it was time to head home. At first it seemed fine, and Sprout said she wanted to leave. But then she melted into tears in her Auntie’s arms. Auntie started to cry. Then Sprout cried on her Mama’s shoulder and got Mama crying. That set Sunny off. Even the cousins got weepy. I never cry – like truly never. But even *I* got going while holding my sobbing beloved Sprout in my arms as she clung damply to my neck.

We eventually made it to the car, and I hugged Mama. Then as soon as the car doors closed, the girls started to actually wail with grief and sadness. It was absolutely horrid to sit there, utterly helpless, while my beloved girls sobbed and sobbed like they’d never ever feel whole again.

Honestly, they never will feel fully whole. Not really. This grief is too primal. Sprout will always feel it when she thinks about it. Sometimes it seems to just creep up on her – the missing of her Mama. And even if Sunny goes home, which seems unlikely but is still possible, this time of missing her mother will have left a deep trauma scar.

Is their being here the best thing for them? God only knows. Medically and academically it is, without question. But is that enough? What about emotionally? Could they possibly be safe and have a stable life there? Which part of them should take precedence, the physical or the emotional? Is there a better way to do this?

I have so many questions but really no answers. I just have two kids who came home today heavy-hearted and sad and missing their Mama to the core of their being.