I was chatting with an old friend last night, and he mentioned that foster care seems to be full of challenging emotions. Boy is that an understatement.
About a month ago, the agency was telling us they wanted to have Mama surrender her rights to Sunny and have us adopt her. We were more than happy to adopt her, but we in good conscience felt like we had to tell them that Sunny still hopes to go home. So Seth told the case worker that during her home visit a couple of weeks ago.
Without any further discussion, the permanency hearing report just arrived in our mailbox, and to our shock, it stated in no uncertain terms that they intend for Sunny to go live with the rest of her siblings with her uncle, and for that transition to happen ASAP. It contained some, erm, inaccuracies about the history of how Sunny wound up with us, which irked me. And my initial reaction was fury that we got blindsided by a document that was submitted to the court and they didn’t have the courtesy to discuss it with us first.
In the interim, there was a very contentious court hearing about Sunny and Sprout’s older sister. We sided with their attorney against the agency. I can’t help thinking their lack of courtesy in communicating with us about this change in plans relates to some sore feelings on their part about how that hearing went. Perhaps I’m wrong. Good heavens, I hope I’m wrong.
Anyway, this morning I had a conversation with Sunny about her going home. She brought it up because today is a visit day and she gets to see her whole family. She said in no uncertain terms that she wants to go home, and now. No doubts. No hesitancy.
It helped convince me the agency is probably right, even if their handling of the situation came across as petty.
I don’t know what will happen and when. I know it’s now very likely Sunny will be leaving our care and joining her uncle. He’s a lovely man, who adores his nieces and nephews, and I have no doubt he’ll do his absolute best by Sunny, as he is doing with the other kids.
Sunny will lose out on some things by going home. But she’ll gain back immersion in her native language and culture, which is immeasurably valuable. She’ll be with more of her family.
Her education likely won’t be nearly as good is my guess. Right now she’s in a tiny district getting immense amounts of one-on-one attention to get her caught up, and I fear she’ll get lost in a large urban district that previously had her in a “life skills” class instead of academic education. Now she’s reading, so hopefully they won’t make that mistake again, but it makes me wary that they were ready to write her off previously, when she’s perfectly capable of attaining literacy. I can only hope they’ll actually implement the IEP that our district has so carefully crafted for her, knowing that often city districts struggle to do so.
She’s too young to understand the benefits of a good education, or for that matter, anything else she’ll miss out on by leaving. But I am certain that if she stayed she’d resent us and being here. Her heart is set on home.
It’s also very important to note that every study on family separation seems to conclude that keeping kids with their families is what’s best for the kids if it’s safe and appropriate, and in this case, I think it will be. This is especially the case where the child is from a different cultural background, which Sunny is.
So while my heart is aching with sadness about “losing” this kid who has been with us more than a year and who is thriving here, my head gets the importance of her return home. It sucks for me, but that’s what I signed up for.
The part that makes me saddest is that Sprout will grow up solo, without Sunny in her daily life. While they do fight a lot, they also adore each other, and race to hug each other after school or other separation. Sprout will be reduced to seeing her sister once a month at our visits 2 hours away, and that just seems so lonely for Sprout. But if we are to do what is best for Sunny and if that is going home, Sprout’s loneliness and missing her sibling is just a casualty of a shitty set of circumstances.
That’s really what this is. A shitty set of circumstances without good answers. I just hope we are getting things as right as possible as we wade through our complex emotions and rely on the information we’ve gleaned from research about family separation.
I have to do it. I have to support Sunny’s return home. I truly believe it’s the best option for her.
But I don’t have to like it.
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