Self Care and Foster Care

Foster care is a rough gig. It’s emotionally taxing x100.

On the best days when everything is going well and the kids are great my heart aches knowing it won’t last – kids go home. I flip between trying to protect my heart from the heartbreak I know is coming, and just letting myself love kids completely knowing I’ll have to cope with that much more pain down the road. I usually do the latter but have moments of doubt about whether it’s wise.

And on the bad days foster care is anxiety and stress and worry and heartbreak. I’m sad kids aren’t ok and are acting out. I’m stressed about deciding the best way to handle it. Consequences? Let them off the hook completely because it’s all being driven by trauma? The choices are hard. Child sobbing uncontrollably because she is missing parents and siblings? Par for the course. A child breaking things because she doesn’t know what to do with all the anger she feels? Also par for the course. Batten down the hatches and get through the day as best I can.

So how do I stay sane through all that stress?

1. Therapy.

I’ve plugged therapy before but here I’m going to plug it even more.

I’ve done therapy with an amazing therapist for about 6 years. We work on resolving the traumas I’ve experienced through EMDR, and we work on my parenting, among many other things.

Secondary trauma is real – when our kids are acting out because of their traumas, it can really tax us emotionally and that’s something that has to be dealt with to avoid burnout. If a child has a particular behavior that really gets under my skin, we work on identifying why it bothers me so much and try to resolve any underlying issues about it. We strategize ways to help kids cope with their issues. And when kids leave, we work through the grieving process to make sure I keep working my way through it and don’t just get stuck.

I share my joys and triumphs with my therapist too – it’s not all hard stuff. We laugh a lot too. But on the whole therapy is hard work and it costs money but I would not recommend anyone becoming a foster parent without first finding a good therapist and sticking with them. Don’t be afraid to therapist shop to find the right one – there’s magic in finding the right chemistry with a therapist.

2. Sleep – plenty of it.

I’ve needed a lot of sleep ever since I contracted mononucleosis about 6 years ago. The need for a lot of sleep has just never abated. My doctor says that’s not a real thing but pshaw, bite me, it’s totally real. I tend to go to bed around the time we put the kids to bed, which is insanely early. I’ve also come to recognize that mornings are my cheerful time so it works out perfectly. I go to bed by 8, and am up by 5:30, and I get quiet non-kid time to write and enjoy a cup of cappuccino from my Nespresso machine in blessed non-chaotic silence.

One of the other ways I deal with stress is to nap. I find things always look sunnier after a brief snooze. So on the days when I don’t manage to go to bed early enough sometimes I’ll lie down with Tiny for a bit. She loves to have me lie down with her when she naps. It’s super cute. Only problem is that lately, when she’s resisting a nap, she’ll lie there quietly for a bit and just when I think she’s dozing off, my Frozen obsessed kid will roll over abruptly and ask me if I “wanna buiwd a snowman?” It’s so cute I laugh and then we have to start the whole settling down process again.

3. Down time.

God Bless Seth. I can say to him that I’m struggling and need some non-parenting time and if he’s free-ish he readily agrees and lets me go do something by myself. I’m a pretty hard core introvert, and being with a little person 24/7 sometimes gets to me. Seth is an extrovert and doesn’t get that way, but understands that I do, and gives me room to breathe for an hour when I need it. I will say this many times I’m sure: I don’t know how single parents do it. I can’t fathom parenting without an amazing partner to have my back.

4. Writing.

Duh. This is a no brainer. I’m enjoying the hell out of telling stories and having people read them. It warms the cockles of my heart. (What are heart cockles??) My 5:30 am writing sessions bring me joy.

5. Meditation.

I have been slacking on this one lately and it’s bad for me. Meditation has been a staple of my life since I started seeing my therapist. I always thought I was just bad at meditating because my mind would not stay still. I have ADHD after all. My brain is crazy busy.

But my therapist explained that meditation is the process of letting go of those thoughts, gently and non-judgmentally. Focus on the breath. And when another thought pops up, notice it, and let it go, and then think about breathing again. Don’t be hard on yourself for having had a thought other than about breathing. I always thought that my thoughts meant I was being bad at it, not that it was the act of meditation.

Over time I have gotten better at being still physically and mentally, though some days are still rough. I practice being physically still – as a meditation mentor once told me “No one’s ever died from an itchy nose.” And my brain is *always* thinking up crazy things. But after just 15 minutes of breathing and being still and being gentle with myself and just noticing thoughts and letting them go, I find I’m far more relaxed and able to focus. I’m calmer. I’m less anxious. I feel… more grounded I guess. I get a little high off it to be honest.

My favorite place in the entire world is Oxford, England. My second favorite place in the world is Quoddy Head State Park in Downeast Maine. My third favorite place is Dai Bosatsu Zendo in the Catskills. It’s the most exquisitely beautiful setting for a Zendo, and an exquisitely beautiful Zendo, filled with wonderfully kind Buddhists Monks, Nuns, and Residents. When I’ve had enough of the entire world I like to go there for a weekend and spend my time meditating, chanting, working, walking in nature, and eating food that is to die for. I need to do a Sesshin, which is a very intense 3-7 day stint of meditation, and had plans for it, but Covid got in the way and it’s been closed to visitors for the last year. I can’t wait for my next visit there. Dai Bosatsu is like a hard reset button for me.