Learning how to roll with foster care’s ups and downs is… well honestly not completely possible. I don’t think anyone can do it perfectly and if they can then I suspect they aren’t in foster care for the right reasons.
When Kiddo had been with us for about a year, we were told by her case worker that she would likely be going home to live with her Daddy at the next court date. That was the county’s plan. Dad had a stable apartment and job, a bedroom set up for Kiddo, and had been to every visit on time. He’d completed parenting classes. He’d done all the things the county had asked him to do. We had started having Kiddo spend Friday nights at his house and those overnights seemed to be going well. It looked like everything was on target.
So, wanting to prepare Kiddo for what was coming, we sat Kiddo down and talked about it. She was suuuuper excited to live with her Daddy, and together we bought totes and worked on packing up her toys and clothes assuming she would be moving right after court.
Well, the court date came. And Kiddo’s attorney bothered to read the file finally while waiting for the court case to be called, walked into the courtroom, and when asked for her input, announced that she wanted Dad to do a mental health evaluation and a drug screening before Kiddo went home. She had never mentioned this in previous court dates or called the county attorney ahead of time so these things could be done. She just finally asked for them when Kiddo’s things were packed and she was stoked to go live with her Daddy.
We had the task of going home and talking to Kiddo about what had happened and telling her she wasn’t going home quite yet. Kiddo literally lived out of her Rubbermaid bins for weeks afterward, and refused to unpack. I don’t blame her. The kid was heartbroken.
Kiddo finally went to go live with her Daddy six months later, at the next court date.
I learned a lot from that incident. I never pack a child’s things ahead of court any more no matter how sure it looks that a child will be going home. I haven’t had older kids who ask when they’re going home since Kiddo but even little ones understand a great deal and deserve to be prepared in advance of monumental changes in their lives. But frankly it’s not really possible to keep kids prepared because it’s all about uncertainty.
The uncertainty works in reverse as well. When we had Gronckle, the caseworker had identified a relative that he thought Gronckle should go home too. Gronckle’s attorney however had grave doubts about the suitability of the home and had a laundry list of things he wanted the relative to do before any return was considered. Having experienced the situation with Kiddo, I felt relatively sure that we had more time with Gronckle before he would be going to a relative, if he would go at all. So we walked into court one December morning, the county made its case, Gronckle’s attorney made his case, and the judge disregarded everything Gronckle’s attorney had to say. Ultimately, the judge ruled that the child was going to live with the relative he’d met once in his life the next day despite Gronckle’s attorney’s strenuous objections which he insisted on having read into the record.
I remember leaving the court room feeling like I had been turned into rubber. I wasn’t ready to lose Gronckle and had major major major reservations about the suitability of the relative. But it was done. There was nothing else we could do. I called into work and took the day off and went home and packed up Gronckle’s things. I had no choice.
With Mouse, we met her parents when we picked Mouse up at the hospital that first day. They seemed like competent functional people. We’ve never been 100% certain Mouse should have even been in foster care – a doctor made a call and the system responded and it is what it is. We knew from day 1 that Mouse was going home.
Until one court date when the parents didn’t show up and the Judge told us to get an adoption attorney. Not kidding.
Thank god by then we had had Kiddo and Gronckle and knew to take everything with a grain of salt. It still got our hopes up but every time we felt those hopes we tried ruthlessly to quash them because we knew in our hearts that Mouse should go home. But it’s just another example of the way Court for foster kids can toy with your emotions and mess with your head.
I now approach court dates with great trepidation. You never know what will happen at them. I had gotten a feel for the different family court judges and at one point felt somewhat comfortable guessing which way they would rule, but we just had elections and there are all new judges now so I’m in the dark again. I’ve gotten better at polling the case worker and child’s attorney in advance to find out what they will be asking the judge for so I have more information going into court but it still feels like a bit of a free for all at times. We just have to live with it.
I can say that what I have learned as a foster parent deeply informs my practice as an attorney for the child. I am aware of what is going on in my cases long before court dates and try my best to communicate my position to the other attorneys in advance. I’m a work in progress but I don’t want to do what Kiddo’s attorney did, ever. Last minute surprises suck for all parties, especially for the kids. And after all, isn’t this supposed to be all about them?!
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