Today Tiny had a visit scheduled with her Mama. It’s her standard visit – every other Friday at 1 o’clock. At a meeting last week we discussed the visit with her Mom so she definitely knew about it. Yet today, something went wrong, and Mom didn’t show up for the visit.
There could be a million valid reasons why she didn’t show up. Maybe one of the other kids got sick. Maybe a car broke down. Maybe a relative or neighbor had a crisis that she had to help with. Who knows. It could be a valid reason. But at the end of the day, she didn’t call or tell anyone that she wasn’t coming, and just didn’t show up.
It used to be we could just surprise Tiny by presenting her to her mother at the visit location, so there wouldn’t be a let down if the visit didn’t happen – we could just drive off and she’d be none the wiser. But Tiny is old enough now that she recognizes where she is and knew that she was in the location that she goes to for these visits. She got incredibly excited when she realized where she was, and was thrilled to get out of the car. When she had to get back in the car without seeing her Mama, she became absolutely inconsolable. She sobbed and sobbed and begged my husband “please can I see Mama [name]?” over and over again. She didn’t stop crying until she was back home and finally fell asleep.
When parents let their kids down, it takes a toll on everyone, but mostly the kids. If this had been a one time thing I would have rolled with it much better, but this is not the first time a visit has been missed by Tiny’s Mom. And it’s not the first time Tiny has been absolutely wrecked by having a visit not happen. We know Tiny’s mom loves her so much, but sometimes she just isn’t able to come through for her.
Unfortunately, sometimes bio parents do let their kids who are in foster care down terribly. Kiddo’s mom let her down several times early on during her stay in foster care, and Kiddo would react with violent anger when she got stood up for a visit. There was nothing we could do but batten down the hatches, say goodbye to some belongings, and let our hearts break as we watched a beloved child tear through the house trying to find some outlet big enough for her gigantic terrible emotions. Tiny is more sad than angry, but it’s just as hard to watch.
Consoling devastated kids is part of the job of a foster parent. All we can do is reassure kids that their parents love them very much and tell them that sometimes things get in the way of visiting. But I secretly get so angry – sometimes unreasonably angry – at the parent who just hurt a beloved kid so much. Then I have to set my feelings aside and continue to partner with the bio parent to try to get the family reunited anyway because most of the time that’s what’s best for the child. Not always. But most of the time.
Foster parenting. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. This gig is not for the faint of heart. 💔
sprinklesonachaoscupcake.com 