Misalignment

One of the biggest challenges Seth and I have with fostering is that we are not always on the same page. We are always great teammates when it comes to fostering the kids who are in our care. But where we disagree is regarding what – or who – will come next.

I want all the kidzzzzzz. Every call we get for a girl age 11 or under? I want to take.

Seth wants none of the kids. He’s super hesitant every time (except once – keep reading). In fact, it’s a pattern for Seth in general – he always and immediately thinks of all the bad things that could go wrong – not just about fostering but about life in general – to the point where his therapist has called him on it, but the behavior persists. And it’s led to some of our biggest relationship crises.

We recently got a call for a tween girl with spina bifida. She’s quite disabled. But she’s the same ethnicity as Tiny and she’s freed for adoption and I thought she’d be an important addition to our family for Tiny’s sake and her sake.

I thought through the need for modifications to our home and talked with the case worker about funding for them. I thought through the vehicle we’d need. And I thought through after school and summer care. You name it, I thought of it, and had worked out a plan.

Seth dug in his heels with a hard no. I’m still not entirely sure why but he did. He was afraid it would be too much for him to take on, even though I’m the primary caregiver and medical appointment and transportation person. To be fair, this gal would need a lot of work. I was ready for it. He was not.

We discussed and discussed and discussed. In a fit of pique with me, he announced he was fine with the 1 1/2 kids we’ve got and doesn’t feel the need for another kid at all. Aaaaaand that dumped me into a bit of a tail spin. Because all along I’ve wanted one more kid and he’s said he was down for that.

We slept on it. Or rather he slept on it and I mulled everything over ad nauseum all night.

Come morning he admitted he felt he was being selfish and was ok with another kid. He realized that fostering kids is my greatest source of joy, and he has other sources of joy that I don’t share (rock climbing and cycling and friendships) and he was really alright with another kid so he needed to support me in that. Bless him. A child is no small undertaking and I’m so glad he’s willing to take on another for me.

But not the child with spina bifida. He was immovable on that subject.

Fair enough. I’ll probably always be sad about her and wonder “what ifs” but relationships are about compromise and he was compromising so I needed to do so too.

I made him email the case worker with our regrets and apologies though. I was too chicken to do it.

This evening we talked about who he WILL take and he decided on… (drumroll please)…

A baby. ?!?!?

This baffles me a little because babies? They are A LOT OF WORK. I’m willing of course but hot diggety, a colicky baby ain’t much less work than a child with spina bifida. I guess they grow up and outgrow some of the needs but dang, sleepless nights are the pits!

He feels a baby would be the best fit for the kids we’ve got and I concede he has a point based on the fact that the wee one we had for a week was adored and doted on and fought over by the girls.

Present crisis averted. It won’t be the last. It wasn’t the first.

After Gronckle was sent to live with a relative in seriously shitty circumstances, Seth wanted to “take a break.” I thought at first I wanted a break too but after about a week I couldn’t take it and wanted to open back up. After discussing it, I told Seth he could have a month off but I needed to take in kids again after that.

By the time the month was up, he broke the deal and said he “still wasn’t ready” and was still enjoying the break. I was going out of my ever loving mind with grief for Gronckle and needed a distraction and a new person to love on. We fought pretty bitterly that time too.

A few days later he returned one of the county’s placement calls and said yes, much to my bemusement. His explanation? His gut told him it was the right call to say yes to. That call was for Mouse, who changed his entire career path, so I have to concede he was dead nuts on. She WAS the right call to say yes to!

Anyone who says relationships aren’t hard work is crazy. I unquestionably have “one of the good ones” and yet it still takes lots of discussion, and therapy (separately and sometimes together), and more discussion, and a lot of compromise, and a lot of trusting the other person’s instincts. Seth and I are a work in progress still, 21 years in. Hopefully many still to go.