Generally speaking, we’ve had good relationships with the parents of the kids in our care, or at least with the Moms who are doing the hard work to get their kids back. Dads have been hit or miss but the ones who have been engaged in services and visits we’ve had a good working relationship with.
How do we meet the parents of kids we are caring for? We meet our kids’ parents in court, and at medical appointments, and as things progress, often at visit handoffs.
We assess our relationship with a parent first in the presence of a case worker or medical professional or someone else in a position of authority before we give out phone numbers. But most of the time we have found parents to be able to engage at least mostly appropriately.
All that said, we are cautious. We don’t invite parents to our home until AFTER kids have been returned to the parents and then only selectively. We often give parents’ our phone numbers, but one time we didn’t when we knew Mom was pretty unstable and had a history of violence and association with people who were violent. In that case our contact with her was limited to the courthouse when we were waiting for her case to be called, but we were courteous and civil and showed her photos and videos of her kid while we waited. And then we took the court security officers’ advice and waited until she and her boyfriend were long gone before we exited the courthouse ourselves.
Have we made mistakes? A few. Mostly I’m just sad that a few parents have let us down. A particular Dad we did a lot for turned out to be a jerk to his kid. We had such high hopes for him! Seth even spent hours in the Dad’s driveway working on his car because having a vehicle was a condition of the child’s return and he couldn’t afford a tow and a repair shop. Another Dad couldn’t kick his drug habit despite several attempts and that makes me sad. He was super hard to get along with when he was using.
One pair of parents we wound up having little respect for because they were master manipulators, and they hated us for no good reason. They complained nonstop about everything we did no matter how hard we tried. We bought and installed a baby gate in their new apartment, but we put it in a place they didn’t like – they wanted it three inches further forward (where there was no stud to screw it to). After the kids were returned, they even complained vehemently that the brand new wardrobe I bought for one of the children – which I was under no obligation to do – contained too many pairs of leggings and not enough jeans. Sigh. Those parents had a number of kids and they were so difficult to get along with that several other foster families that had some of their kids wound up getting a mysterious CPS call made on them so the kids would be moved to another family. Double sigh. Sometimes parents make it hard to get along with them.
Do we do things the “right” way? Lordie, I don’t know. We’ve had good luck so far and I’m grateful for that. I know there are horror stories about kids getting abducted from foster homes by their parents and that’s a terrifying thing and it’s why we don’t share where we live with parents until after kids are home.
That said, I think most relationships between parents and foster parents COULD be positive, but many aren’t, and that’s so damn frustrating to me. I wish people would not go into foster parenting if their only goal is to adopt a child, because that’s not the point of foster care. The point is to get kids back home. I’ve seen how that can sour relationships between parents and foster parents as they “fight” over a child’s time and affections when in truth the only ones who get a say in the final outcome are the County and the courts.
We are off to a truly wonderful and very encouraging start with Dude Man’s Mama. We met her last week finally, and she’s clearly an incredibly loving Mom who has a great bond with Little Dude Man. He adores her. And vice versa. I’m very hopeful that we can have a constructive partnership with her while she works to get her children back.
Alas, she told us that the previous foster parents who had Little Dude Man were condescending and dismissive of her. In fact, they flagrantly refused to speak with her or even make eye contact with her. Eh hem, let me climb on my soapbox here: There’s no need for that nonsense. I find that kind of attitude toward parents so frustrating, because it’s not hard to treat people with basic courtesy. I get getting jaded – there are a lot of situations that wind up being less than ideal in foster care and that gets heart breaking. But if you are so jaded that you can’t be respectful and courteous to the parents of the kids you are caring for anymore then it’s time to hang up your foster care hat. And if you can’t get on board with the reality that foster care is about getting kids back with their families, then you should not put a foster care hat on at all.
(*climbing back down off soapbox*)
Aside from our belief that all humans are deserving of a little kindness, we firmly believe that it’s important to have a good relationship with parents. We’ve found that most parents are relieved after they meet us because we treat them with respect and clearly care about their kids. And in my way of thinking, that’s a hugely good thing. We want them to spend their energy on getting better, completing their services, and fighting their demons; we don’t want them expending all their energy worrying about the well-being of their kids.
We try our hardest to avoid a feeling of superiority (sometimes that’s really hard) when we see them making mistakes or doing things differently than we would. It is not our job to tell them how to raise their kids. That’s the job of the county to provide parenting classes and sometimes a parent aid. We recognize there are lots of valid ways to raise kids and our way isn’t the only way. The only time we’ve ever “corrected” a parent is with regard to car seat safety if they’re about to drive off with a kid for a visit and something is set up wrong so that it’s dangerous. We’ve done that several times now, not by being harsh, but by asking if we can please help with car seat setup. We’ve been lucky that they’ve been receptive. But other than that it is not our job to tell the parents anything. That way lies resentment and frustration and a degrading relationship.
That said, we have a couple of times reported to a case worker that we think parents could use some help with certain things they’re doing. Like when the daycare reported to us that the Mom of one of our kids drove her kid back to daycare with her child on her lap. And when one of the two parents was showing up to visits obviously high. Thus far case workers have not blown us in for tattling and I pray that continues!
Is our relationship with parents always good? Nope. See above re: the people we dubbed the master manipulators, and the mom we were afraid would try to jump us outside the courthouse. But is it constructive and positive more often than not? Definitely. I just hope our luck continues as long as we foster!
sprinklesonachaoscupcake.com 