We have notified the County that we need to have them move Little Dude if they can find another place for him.
I’m feeling… well, terrible about it. I’m also vastly relieved at the idea, which is probably pretty telling.
I wrote a while back about having a hard time bonding with Little Dude Man, and that has continued. Exactly WHY that’s the case is probably pretty complex. What we explained to the case worker and head of the Homefinding unit is that he’s All Boy, with endless out there boy energy. He’s so high energy that I can’t keep up with him. He’s also super needy – needs lots of hugs and reassurances all the time. What’s happening in our house is that he’s taking up all our energy. All of it. To the point where I’m practically in tears at the end of every evening because I’m exhausted from following him around and getting him out of mischief, and poor Sprout isn’t getting much of my energy, much less Kiddo on the weekends. The head of the Homefinding unit at the County asked me what tv shows or characters he likes, and I honesty had to answer her “none.” He won’t sit still long enough to watch tv or listen to a book. He Never. Stops. Moving.
I’ve raised my voice at him a number of times because he doesn’t stop what he’s doing unless you physically intervene or YELL, and I feel like an utter asshole each time I do it. I don’t want Sprout growing up watching me lose my patience with Little Dude. I swore when I became a foster parent that I would never yell at the kids and here I am, yelling at a toddler who deserves better.
I can’t cage him in a playpen because he SCREAMS RELENTLESSLY about being in there. And I can’t cage him in a high chair for long because he loses patience with that too. And our house is hard to make baby proof enough for him. (There’s baby proofing, then there’s Dude proofing, and the usual techniques aren’t enough for Mr. Mischief). I can’t get meals prepped or the dishes done or the house picked up or even collect my sanity for 30 seconds.
I’m just… not the right fit for the little guy. He needs a home with a higher energy parent who loves rough and tumble boy energy. Little Dude is an affectionate kid and someone out there could really bond with him, I’m sure of it. It’s just… not me.
Seth is being supportive of my need to move the Little Dude. He needs it less because he’s home less with the kids on his own and he’s frankly a more amazing parent. But I’m alone with them a lot and I’m just plain struggling.
What really makes me feel extra bad is that we really, really like his Mom and we know that she feels he’s safe with us and I don’t want a move to derail all her progress. I feel terrible about upsetting her.
The county is going to try to place him with his brother first, which would be amazing. And then they’ll try to find another foster home that likes energetic little boys.
I’m painfully aware that too many disruptions in the primary bond is bad for kids. It can lead to major problems down the road. It’s why we’ve never disrupted a placement before even though we’ve thought about it. I’m praying this little guy will do better if he’s got someone who is bonded with him, more than I am. I can only hope and pray that makes up for disrupting his bond with us.
I know this will be a controversial decision. I know the County isn’t thrilled with us for disrupting, though the case worker kindly said that she wants us to keep fostering and not be so out of patience that we can’t do so. I feel bad for disrupting the child’s bond and his mother’s progress, and for contributing to the stereotype of foster parents who shuffle kids around through the system.
We’ve stuck it out through the really hard kids before (eh hem, Kiddo), but at that time she was the only kid we’d had aside from her brother, so her challenges only affected us, not other kids in the house. I hate hate hate how Dude Man is affecting Sprout. She likes him, but also gets incredibly frustrated with his whacking her with toys (he doesn’t seem to be learning from a firm “no”) and his crying jags while he’s in the playpen so I can make food, and his crying jags in the car seat that can go on for a half hour because he’s confined. She’s started throwing tantrums to get attention because so much of our energy is focused on Dude. That to me is a warning bell that all is not right in her world. She actually begged us to stay home from school yesterday and send Dude to daycare, I think in part because she needed a bunch of attention from us. So I can’t let Dude keep negatively affecting my sweet little girl – frankly, we committed to her first.
All in all, I’m just so infinitely glad the County is working on moving Dude Man. The prospect of the break we’ll get after he’s gone is what’s giving me more patience with him now. We’ll send him to a new home with a complete wardrobe and with Christmas gifts and the works, and prayers that his new foster home can bond with him where we’ve failed.
sprinklesonachaoscupcake.com 