Why is there a blog post about ADHD in a blog about foster care? Partly because it’s my blog, and my story, and I feel like sharing. It’s also because there are plenty of neurodivergent kids in foster care too, so this might help a foster parent understand a kid they’re caring for a little bit better.
About 2 years ago-ish I started to recognize I might have ADHD. I’m now 46 years old. I’m not sure what triggered the realization. It was like a slow dawning based initially on my extreme difficulties doing work at work. Then I also gradually started noticing how my household functions, and together the indicators seemed like they might add up to something. I talked to Seth about it, then brought it up with both my therapist and psychiatrist, who both agreed they thought it was a distinct possibility. I then hired a specialist to evaluate me. Lo and behold, the evaluation came back that I quite clearly have mixed type ADHD – it wasn’t a borderline determination.
For quite a while before I was diagnosed, I thought I could not have ADHD because I always did well in school. But on a whim one day I started doing some research and learned that’s not entirely uncommon, especially in girls who are fairly bright.
School cost me very little work or focus. It came naturally to me. I was a curious kid who liked learning, except math, so classes often held at least some of my attention. By the time I got to a demanding private high school I learned hacks to my studying, which largely came down to studying for exams in study groups so the activity of the exchange would keep me focused. I did EVERYTHING at the last minute and adrenaline would power me through, but it was enough. After my demanding high school, college was a cinch, especially since I could take classes I was interested in. I majored in English and I can hyperfocus on reading, meaning I can read for hours without any issue, and I churned out good last minute papers under pressure of deadlines. I graduated with a ton of honors and Phi Beta Kappa. It wasn’t until law school that ADHD presented a problem for me because frankly I wasn’t that interested in the course material. But the adrenaline generated by the Socratic method and natural ability carried me through a top-tier law school somewhere near the middle of my class. I barely even studied for the bar exam and passed on the first go round. I’m shite at plenty of things, but academics have always been a cinch for my weird little brain.
All that said, I’ve always been seriously quirky, and ADHD is a part of that. Looking back on my childhood now that I know my diagnosis, I recognize signs of ADHD throughout it. In fact, I have a few memories that make me laugh now that I know my diagnosis, but which puzzled me for years.
My second grade teacher was terrible. Truly. She cared about her horses and nothing else. She didn’t like teaching so she didn’t DO teaching. She just handed out reams of busywork papers that didn’t teach nor demonstrate our learning. I hated them because they were boring and didn’t demonstrate my acumen and get me positive attention, so I quit doing them. Just up and quit. I started stuffing those papers crumpled up into my extremely messy desk, and forgot about them. I just added to the mass of wadded paper each day, and pretended it wasn’t there. I legit remember the shoulder strength it took to shove the papers in there once it got super full. Ha! Instead of doing the papers I would sit and engage in my favorite activity: daydreaming.
Eventually a parent teacher conference came around. In preparation, each kid was given the opportunity to clean out our desk, and they brought in a big gray garbage can for the occasion. I dutifully cleaned because I was under pressure, and dumped all the forgotten wadded assignments in the trash. I then went home and sweated.
I waited up that night for my parents to get home from the conference figuring I was about to get it for not doing my work. Imagine my shock when my parents came into my room to say good night and told me my teacher only had positive things to say about me! I still remember the feeling of the blood pounding in my ears after they left and my panic started to subside. My report card later completely confirmed my suspicion: my teacher was keeping us busy and wasn’t even grading all those papers. Because I was “good” in class she gave me a good grade.
In retrospect? The chronically messy desk, the lack of attention available for work that didn’t interest me, and the daydreaming were all indicators, but since my teacher didn’t care and ADHD wasn’t really a thing for well-behaved girls back then, it was entirely overlooked.
Another memory that makes me go hmmmm… my childhood bedroom, or as my parents likely would have called it, hell. Thankfully I had my own room as a kid because no one would have wanted to share with me. It had pink carpeting underneath mounds and mounds of discarded clothing, papers, books, and toys. My bed was never made. There was little in my closet, my dresser drawers were nearly empty but never shut tight, and there was a narrow pathway from the door to the bed.
I was content in there. My mother was very neat as a housekeeper so the rest of the house was clean and orderly. But my room looked like bombs (plural) had gone off at the same time a cyclone hit. Now I realize a couple of things about that room: 1. It matched the chaos inside my brain, 2. Cleaning didn’t interest me so I didn’t do it, and 3. Even when I wanted to clean it because of parental pressure, my executive dysfunction prevented me from getting very far.
Eventually during my late teen years I made enough progress on executive dysfunction that I managed to get it clean… by hyper focusing on it. I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned and cleaned and did nothing else until I’d actually scooped everything out from under the dressers, which had previously resembled my 2nd grade desk. I folded and organized and trashed and actually managed to create an orderly room.
Even today my bedroom tends to be the worst room in the house. I recently heard a joke (I forget the source and apologies to the person who said it) by a woman who said her husband always seemed to be raptured out of his clothing, as it would sit in neat shed piles on the floor. Eh hem. I’ve been raptured a few times in my adult life. Like a lot. God bless my patient husband! I get distracted during the getting dressed part of things and somehow don’t notice I’ve still got clothes on the floor.
Cleaning is still something I really struggle with. I can hyper focus when I’m in the right mood and get through a ton of organizing, but it’s infrequent. Most of the time I’m forcing myself to get cleaning and organizing done under pressure of a deadline: case worker, friend, or family member heading toward my house. I create doom boxes (“Didn’t Organize, Only Moved”) until the cows come home. Doom boxes are for holding all the odds and ends we don’t want to get rid of but don’t know what to do with or don’t feel like putting away. I have one in nearly every room. They’ve gotten fancy now: pretty decorative boxes with magnetic lids, or fancy wooden boxes. And yes, they look better than the clutter they hide and give the appearance of order, but are still just chaos under pretty wraps.
I’ve mentioned hyper focus a few times and it’s another major sign of my ADHD. Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder is such a misnomer. It’s not really attention deficit that’s the issue, it’s attention regulation. So while we with ADHD can have extreme trouble focusing on something we are not interested in, we can focus to the exclusion of everything else when we are really engaged. I hyper focus on art. I can be so zoned in that Seth can walk into the room, tell me something, offer me yummy food, and leave again and I will have no idea he was ever there. THAT is hyper focus. Bless him, he takes it in stride and isn’t offended.
When I was a kid my primary hyper focuses were art projects and reading. I could focus on a book to the total exclusion of even fundamental bodily needs. And I remember doing the same with art projects, such as the Valentine’s Day cards I made for my entire class in first grade. I totally remember doing them – construction paper animals – to the exclusion of everything else and feeling such satisfaction while I focused on them. Somewhere there’s a picture of me, with a little blond bowl cut and the cards proudly displayed across the living room floor on a blanket.
Coming back to the present, ADHD causes me a lot of problems beyond my messy house. As an adult, I chose a career path of that didn’t particularly interest me because I thought it was “impressive enough.” I chose law. I practiced law for 15 years at an excellent law firm in a nearby city, and then practiced for about a year and a half as a solo practitioner. Throughout that whole time, I struggled terribly with initiating tasks, multitasking, interruptions of what I’m working on, and completion of tasks. When I have a deadline I do outstanding work. I know that the litigation papers I have filed in quite a few cases were extremely good. I always wrote them at the last possible minute, driving my colleagues bananas. But if I didn’t have a deadline on a particular project it would drag on for ages, sometimes despite pressure from colleagues or even sometimes clients. It’s a big part of the reason why I got out of the law firm. I was slowly failing there, and my ADHD and its executive dysfunction were a huge part of why I wasn’t doing well.
As someone who spent the first 25 years of my life excelling academically, a slow grinding failure at work really took a toll on my self-esteem and mental health. I am still working on crawling my way out of that hole. I’m getting better. Recognizing that my work patterns were not necessarily my fault has helped tremendously. But figuring out my next career move with the awareness of my ADHD-driven work habits in mind is proving to be a heck of a challenge.
My last tidbit to share is what I’m doing now to treat my ADHD, and that’s a drug called Strattera. I didn’t want to take stimulants because they are addictive, their efficacy can wane, and they can have significant side effects. So I started off with a drug that is a norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor. It basically causes the brain to have more of the chemicals it naturally produces that cause stimulation. I know it doesn’t work for a lot of people, but Strattera has been a miracle drug for me. My house is neater. I lose things less often. I’m able to focus on tasks much more. I drive my husband far less crazy. Has it solved all my problems? Oh heck no. I still have significant executive dysfunction. But the improvement has been very noticeable and I’ll take it.
So that’s my ADHD tale so far. Please feel free to pepper me with questions in comments if you have any. I’m an open book!
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