Sprout
Monday was Eid Al Fitr, so we took Sprout to visit her fam several hours away so she could celebrate with them. It’s a big deal for Sprout to be there for Eid because we aren’t Muslim, and while we could try to celebrate, we can’t celebrate like her family. She needs her family and her culture that day each year especially. She always gets super excited to go see them, and especially so when she needs to dress up for a celebration.
So we drove there, dropped her off with her fam, and Seth and I went to get a long lunch. After about 2 1/2 hours we got a call asking if we could please come pick her up. We quickly drove back to their house and I watched from the car while Seth extricated Sprout from a bevy of siblings and cousins and aunts and uncles and her Mama. Sprout was sad to leave. But as she was crying her favorite brother asked her if she wanted to stay and she said “no.” But when he asked her if she wanted to leave, she also said “no.” The poor kid. Overtired, overwhelmed, overstimulated, and torn between two families. She was pushing everyone away and wiping her eyes – not sure what she wanted or needed.
When she got to the car she clung to me for a solid minute, then we put her in her car seat where she passed out almost instantly and slept the 2+ hours home.
While I was watching Seth carefully take her from her family and help Sprout say a teary goodbye, I was forcefully struck by the realization that this child has a family. A whole frigging family that she comes from and belongs to. She always will. No termination or surrender of “parental rights” can change that. No adoption can change that. She’ll never be “ours,” she will only ever be partly ours and partly her first family’s. And what a $hi##y place to be for a little kid – torn between two worlds.
We will keep our little Sprout in contact with her family as best we can but they live more than 2 hours away so that basically means monthly visits. I don’t think it’s going to get easier for her. She always wants to go and gets very excited to see her Mom and big brother especially, but she always seeks reassurance from us before each visit that we will in fact pick her up afterward and bring her back home. They’re pretty boisterous and chaotic and she’s used to a more orderly life now, and they overwhelm her. Plus their sights and sounds and smells are all different to her now, and like all little kids, she craves familiarity. It’s heartbreaking to think that her family are part strangers to her, but they are. And then when we come to pick her up we have become part strangers to her again too. What a horrible emotional ride for a little kid.
When I saw her having trouble leaving her family I understood – didn’t condone but understood – why some women want to do foreign adoptions so they can “have” their kids to themselves. If they’re adopting an “orphan” from overseas they don’t have to share Mother’s Day with another Mom. They can be the only Mom in their heads.
It’s a fiction of course. Every adopted child has a first mom whether there’s contact or not. And often, the “orphaning” of a child for adoption in a foreign country is corrupt and fictitious (topic for another post, but true). Adoption = sharing a child. End of story. Even if it’s just in spirit because there’s no contact with the first family, adoption doesn’t erase the first family’s existence, blood ties, influence, shadow. We prospective adoptive Moms will always have to share and the sooner we come to terms with that the better.
So I grieved for a minute until Sprout was in my arms. Then I realized I’d happily take raising this amazing kid and sharing her as best I can with a first family who loves her because she’s worth it. But I’ll bring it up with my therapist that I felt a little grievey. There’s clearly something there I need to work on.
Kiddo
Things are very different with Kiddo but not entirely different. She’s still torn between two worlds.
We now have Kiddo every weekend because that’s what she’s decided she wants, and her mom needs breaks, and she doesn’t want to spend weekends with her Dad and brother. But raising a child on weekends only with no legal rights or decision making authority comes with challenges. I’m not her Mom. She has one of those. I’m her Miss Holly, and while I mother her, and she’s “my kid,” I’m not her mother. It’s a weird place to be when I think about it.
We get along well with Kiddo’s Mom and her SO. Her Mom openly admits we are all raising Kiddo together – it’s a group effort – and I am humbled by and appreciative of that acknowledgment.
Kiddo’s Mom is juggling full time college and working full time and taking care of her SO who has major health issues, and her son who has major behavioral and mental health issues, and the latter causes incredible stress and frustration. She’s stretched THIN. As the “easier” kid, sometimes Kiddo doesn’t get as much attention from her Mom as she wants.
Kiddo is asking to spend “a lot” of time with us over the summer. I think her Mom’s stress is contagious, and her brother’s issues are so stressful for her too. Plus she can’t play outside at her house and can at our house.
We will make summer fun at our house happen for her as best we possibly can. I’ve got lots of plans. This is the first summer I will have to spend with kids while I’m not working, so I’m going to get a membership at our local pool, which has a giant swimming pool with a slide, a splash park, a concession stand, and a playground. I will take them to the local swimming hole a bunch too, which is a small lake with a sandy beach and great picnic spots. There are always things like the zoo and the science museum, which has a brand new planetarium we are all excited to check out. Sprout is going to get horseback riding lessons through an organization that does riding experiences for kids with special needs. She’s over the moon about it. She also has a week of summer camp at my old private school, and Kiddo might be jealous of that, but I’m thinking perhaps a special “just us” week with Kiddo would be lovely.
We are also on the market for new bikes for both kids. They both love riding their bikes. We have a new saucer swing in the back yard, and a suction cup bow and arrow set that can go out there, and balls, and stomp rockets, and a new hose attachment for playing in the sprinkler (courtesy of our awesome neighbors). Some water balloons will surely make an appearance at some point too.
In short, it should be a great outdoorsy summer, capped off with a coastal camping trip in DownEast Maine and then a trip to Ireland (if the County approves it for Sprout) in the latter half of August.
How much of that can we have Kiddo for? Hopefully a lot of it but I don’t really know. I know she’ll miss her Mom when she’s here but she also will get outdoors play time here which makes up for it a little. Keeping her running around and enjoying summer weather and staying off electronics seems like a good goal. She loves it and it’s a joy to watch. We know her Mom is fine with camping and Ireland so that’s great. But I haven’t broached the subject of the rest of the summer yet. Perhaps 3 day weekends all summer? 4? Should we take it one week at a time or plan in advance? I’m not sure how to share this kid through the summer knowing she wants a lot of time here but still needs her Mom time.
This sharing kids thing? It’s a hell of a challenge. It’s made up of constant balancing, readjusting, asking permission, testing, hoping, and more than a few prayers. I don’t think it will ever stop humbling me and I know it won’t ever stop challenging me.
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