Religion is Tricky

The Backstory

I was raised Catholic. Seth was raised intermittently Pentecostal – i.e. Pentecostal when his parents weren’t getting kicked out of churches for pushing limits. We both walked away from our childhoods abhorring organized religion and its exclusivity.

About 22 years later, when Kiddo had been with us for about 6 months, we realized she was struggling with her racial identity. While her pre-k was diverse and majority non-white, her teachers were almost all white, and she wasn’t seeing Seth and me interact with adults who weren’t white very often. We knew she needed role models and to normalize seeing us – Seth and me – talking to people who looked like her. What better way to diversify our world than joining a diverse Church community?

I picked a Church we drove past all the time because it had a giant rainbow banner out front that said “All are Welcome.” I’m not straight myself, and was not willing to set a toenail into a church that wouldn’t welcome me fully. I also figured if the church was welcoming gay people it would not be the same conservative and exclusionary experience Seth and I had had as kids.

Since that time, Seth and I have gotten quite involved in that church, which is a United Methodist church that is doing simply outstanding work in the community. As Seth puts it, he’s “agnostic on a good day,” yet he’s leading a major committee and I’m doing some work there too. It’s full of good people doing good work, which is how I’ve always thought Christian churches ought to be but seldom are.

I’m not a Christian in any traditional sense. Jesus was an interesting fellow with some darn good ideas, but I don’t necessarily believe he was the son of God.

Baptism? Meh.

Feeding the hungry and treating fellow humans with compassion? I am fully on board with that.

So while it may seem odd we go to a Christian church, it fits with our ideals and it works. We love the people there and the work it’s doing and are committed to continuing it as best we can.

I happen to have another side, religiously speaking. In high school, my best friend’s family was Buddhist, and as a result of my long-term relationships with them I discovered Buddhism for myself. I believe most of the tenets of Buddhism not because I was taught them, but because my beliefs naturally sort of evolved to them over time. My practice on the Eightfold Path is a bit weak to say the least, but I meditate, and one of my favorite places in the entire world is a remote Zen Buddhist Monastery in the Catskills.

All that is to say I am currently some sort of reformed Catholic agnostic Methodist Buddhist. Heh. It sounds ludicrous when I put it that way but there it is.

Oh, and I’m raising Muslim kids.

Today’s challenges

I’ve always known Sprout was Muslim, but there was never any discussion about it other than one time her mother said that she wanted Sprout raised in her religion, then she took that back, and said no, what she really wanted was Sprout to be raised in her culture. So for 2 1/2 years we’ve cooked Sprout Burmese food, filled her room with Burmese related artwork, bought her a gorgeous Longyi, and read her Children’s books about Myanmar.

Then Sunny arrived. Sprout was removed from her family before she was 2 so she didn’t have much if any religious teaching then. But Sunny is 8, is missing Arabic school, is old enough to stick to not eating Pork, and informed me that trick or treating is not allowed in her religion. It’s turning out to be an interesting ride.

When Sunny first mentioned the trick or treating thing I just asked her if she wanted to go and she said yes. I didn’t think much of it. But it turns out trick or treating really really is a big deal for her family, and their Mom is laying down the law: no Halloween.

In theory I’m fine with that. I’m sad because it’s my favorite holiday and I have a killer costume this year, but whatever. Years fly by and there’s always another Halloween around the corner.

What stinks is that Halloween is something we’ve always celebrated with Sprout because dumb me, I never looked into which holidays weren’t allowed for Muslims. I should have. I know enough to know it’s something I should have done. But with her Mom saying she wasn’t worried about Sprout growing up Muslim I just didn’t think more about it.

Now that Sunny is here it’s very different in Mom’s eyes because Sunny truly is Muslim. Plus, I know Mom is wanting to control what little she can for her kids and this is something she can control. That’s natural and makes sense. In foster care we are required to do what we need to to support a child’s faith, and first parents have the legal right to dictate a child’s faith even though their kids are in care. Honestly, it’s something I agree with and fully support: kids need to learn and know the culture and faith they come from.

So I somehow have to break the news to the kids that we won’t be doing any Halloween-ing this year. No costumes (which they already had before I learned of Mom’s position), no party (we were invited to a legendary one thrown by friends of ours), no trick-or-treating. I’ll do something here for them that’s different: fall themed or something. We’ll probably have pizza and some candy just because, but keep the ghosts and goblins in storage for another year.

Another issue is that we need to enroll the kids in some kind of Islamic/Arabic schooling because Sunny is missing out on what she’d get at home. She’s told me a bit about her Arabic school and I won’t be enrolling her in one like it – rulers on knuckles should have gone out of style a long damn time ago. But I talked to a friend of her Mother’s to find out which Mosque I should call. Then I happily enrolled her in what that Mosque refers to as its “Sunday school,” even though it’s on Saturdays from 10-1.

Sunny realized today that she doesn’t have a hijab or dress for the Mosque yet, so I’ve spent some time this afternoon looking for hijabs and long modest dresses for both girls. While asking Sunny if I was looking at the right kind of hijabs for them, she told me she desperately wants me to get a hijab and dress as well so I can go into the Mosque with her appropriately. I readily agreed – I can’t teach her about her faith but I can learn about it with her and should so I have a clue what I’m doing in raising two Muslim kids. I’ve got a me-size dress and hijab in my Amazon cart.

Apparently I’m on my way to becoming a reformed Catholic agnostic Methodist Muslim Buddhist.