Let me start this post by emphasizing every kid is different.
Of the three kids in our house, different things work for each one of them. With Sprout, she’s been with us since she was less than 2, in a stable, structured, safe environment where her needs are always met. She views Seth and me as her family because she’s been with us longer than she was with her Mama and siblings. While she misses her Mama, they don’t even speak the same language now, and their bond was a bit insecure to begin with, so it seems like she feels safe and loved where she is. She is used to our rules, generally follows them, and tries hard. What more could we ask for?
Sprout is the easiest of our three to raise by far, despite being a sprightly, mischievous, sassy little stinker at times. She responds to our expressing disappointment and seldom needs any consequences of any kind. Her behavior is – for a 4-year-old who spent her first two years steeped in trauma – excellent. Hell, she’s good compared with a lot of kids. I suspect she maaaaybe has ADHD (her teachers have raised the specter) because she cannot sit still for 2 seconds together. But she might just be a high energy, super social kid like my niece, too. Time will tell. Either way is fine. Hell, I have ADHD. I have no problem with my kids having it other than that it makes their lives a little harder.
A lot of kids in foster care are misdiagnosed with ADHD, though, and that’s problematic. A big part of the reason it’s so commonly diagnosed is that trauma can cause behaviors that look a lot like ADHD. So a child who has been in care for a while and is still exhibiting symptoms can try a stimulant to see if it helps but this should be done very carefully, and if the stimulant isn’t working, the child should not remain on it. Unfortunately, foster parents just wanting their kids to be easier to handle and control is a part of this picture too. “Give him a pill please so I don’t have to work so hard.” Sigh. So we are… appropriately skeptical when someone says Sprout has ADHD. It’s just not possible to tell yet. And if we do test down the road and it comes back with that diagnosis, we’ll try meds very very very carefully.
Speaking of ADHD, I stroooongly suspect Kiddo has it. Her Mom was just diagnosed with it and her brother has it (there’s a strong genetic component to it) and my god. She’s a cyclone just like I am. Impulse control issues and trouble sitting still and forgetfulness mark her every movement. I can roll with her crazy energy because it feels so familiar to me but it makes my husband nutty. One sock on the floor by the back door, one shoe in the kitchen, another sock stuffed into the playroom couch, and the other shoe god knows where? Kiddo is here!
I have a great relationship with Kiddo at the moment and with her, consequences are seldom required, too. She doesn’t respond particularly well to consequences. She gets grumpy and lashes out a bunch. She also doesn’t respond particularly well to long-term goal setting and rewards. The turnaround time has to be short for Kiddo to respond well. “Clean up the play room and the dining room and set the table and you get a dollar” works like a blessed charm for the kid. She’s money hungry and therefore money motivated. But if she’s done something she should not have, a stern talking to and gentle conveyance of disappointment and knowledge she can do better work incredibly well.
Then there’s Sunny. We are still trying to figure her out. She and I have been in a tailspin lately, with my trying consequences like losing the iPad privilege because she sneaked her way into adult YouTube when she knows she’s not allowed to. (Parental controls and ingenuity around blocking content have been increased since, to try to set her up for success. I’d like to see her try to get on YouTube on that iPad! Good luck!)
But consequences didn’t do much. When asked if it was worth it – a half hour of adult YouTube before I caught her, versus being without the iPad, she grinned and replied that she’d do it again. Sigh. Ok. So consequences aren’t working well with her.
I try the disappointed Mom thing with her that works brilliantly with Sprout and Kiddo, but it doesn’t go anywhere, and that’s no surprise. She and I have only been bonding for 4 1/2 months. That’s it. It feels like a lot longer but it hasn’t been. So our bond is still shaky, and her primary bond is to her Mama even if it was/is a bit insecure, and she doesn’t care that much what I think of her. It makes sense.
One of the big challenges we have with Sunny is that she is flat out rude and can be mean when she’s mad. Verbally mean. She knows just how to spit out a cutting comment for greatest effect. Feeling fat one day? She somehow knows it and will make a comment about my belly when she gets mad at me. Feeling guilty for sitting with a cup of tea for a minute or two? She will comment that Daddy does more housework than I do. Whang, right in my pride. Her sister irritated her? She comments Sprout is “too little” to do things, and Sprout is very sensitive about her size. In short, Sunny has a knack for finding the most nasty comment any 9-year-old could come up with at any particular moment and delivering it to great effect.
When I commented recently that a statement she made to her sister was “rude and inappropriate,” her response was “I’m just a rude kid.” She said it not with pride, but with a sort of tired resignation. It dawned on me that she was feeling really down about herself, and that while she found some satisfaction in delivering nasty comments when in a fit of pique, she was also internalizing the responses everyone had to her comments.
Not good. And not productive.
So what to do? My brilliant friend gave me the tip that may save us. She said she used to create charts of rewards for her daughter, like if her daughter did x, y, and z for a week, she’d earn Starbucks. I decided to give it a try this week.
I told Sunny if she could be nice to everybody for the next three days, and not say anything mean to anyone during that time, she could get a Starbucks drink on the 4th day. And wouldn’t you know? She jumped up and down and said “Yes! Yes! I can do this!” And she did! She spent three days being kind and helpful, and on the 4th day, announced quite rightly that she had earned that Starbucks drink, and could she please try my dragonfruit thing. She got a grande drink and plenty of praise. She’s glowing still and that drink was hours ago. I think we may have found the right path to this kid’s heart – treats and praise.
I’ve struck a deal with her that it is a weekly thing. Each week she has the chance to earn the caffeine-free Starbucks drink of her choice if she refrains from making nasty digs at her family. She says she’s on board, and is excited about it. Praying it lasts. Now I need to work on teaching her healthier ways of expressing her anger or frustration with us. I think if there’s Starbucks being dangled before her, she’ll try new methods. Fingers crossed.
I have read a lot of parenting books, particularly ones for kids who have experienced trauma, and while many have healthy tidbits in them, none are a one-size-fits-all. I believe firmly in what I call structure – i.e. setting kids up for success by setting appropriate rules and expectations and expressing them in ways kids can understand. But beyond that? Every single kid we have had has been different. So I take bits from different books and try them and see how they work. I clearly take advice from friends. It’s all trial and error. But I know a method is working when I see good behavior coupled with growing self esteem – that tells me I’m on the right track.
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