The Event
On Friday, November 17, 2023, we adopted our little Sprout at the County’s National Adoption Day event!
HOORAY!!!
The event was… chaotic. I know we should appreciate everything that happened and was given to Sprout in the course of the day, but in some ways I wish we’d had an adoption in the judge’s chambers rather than at the event. It was held in a big ball room type venue, with tables around the edges of the room for each judge. The room was packed full of families and so busy. It felt a little bit impersonal… until the very end which worked out to be rather magical.
First, there was an hour long ceremony with various speakers, through which 40+ soon-to-be-adopted kids twitched and fidgeted and ate all the candies on the tables. There were balloon animals and hats and swords for them which was fun, as well as teddy bears, but by the end of the hour the wiggle factor was high.
Then it was up to us to find our attorney and our judge’s table and get them both together at the same time. We were assigned times for adoptions, but it was still abject chaos around each judge’s table. It wasn’t clear if we needed to sign in first, or just show up at our time, or what.
Because we had our friend S with us, who can legitimately entertain children endlessly, we were fine. Our Little Wiggle played with S and with balloons while we grownups milled about and talked with her old case workers and her attorney and our attorney and her current case worker and waited for the crowd around the judge’s table to diminish.
We waited so long we wound up being our judge’s last adoption, which was a blessing. We did the adoption, which was her asking us a few questions and signing some papers, and then her ringing a big bell while Sprout got to ring her very own little bell. Hooray! It was over so quickly I barely remember the actual adoption!
But what happened afterward rocked. Our judge – whom we adore – took off her robes, and then talked to and played with Sprout for ages. Sprout’s primary memory of the event is of the judge spending that time with her, and she clearly treasures it.
Speaking of treasures…
We received a LOT of stuff. I think some of it came from the judge? Or maybe the county? It’s hard to say, but there was a bag of toys and books for Sprout with a bunch of gems in it, from silly glasses to LOL dolls to lovely books regarding adoption.
We ALSO got a backpack of stuff from the Jockey Being Family Foundation. They take the prize for best Adoption Day gifts:
- Monogrammed backpack – a really nice one. It’s as big as Sprout, but never mind. Some day she’ll be able to use it!
- Fuzzy fuzzy fuzzy blue blanket that she’s been wrapped up in since she got it.
- Fuzzy fuzzy fuzzy cute teddy bear.
And for the parents:
- An adoption card game meant to facilitate meaningful family discussion and activities about adoption.
- A book about how teens who are adopted feel about it.
- A workbook for parents to go through with kids to help kids talk about their complex feelings around adoption.
Dude. I just bought myself some Jockey products. They’re doing things right when it comes to supporting adoptive families and not sugar coating everything! And why? Prolly because it’s run by an adoptee. ❤️ Check out the org here.
The Aftermath
We went out to lunch afterward to celebrate. Sprout received a kids’ mix board from S, which she hasn’t stopped playing with, much to the pain of my ears. She’s a natural with the thing, and somehow already knew how to scratch a record before she’d even gotten the box open.
After lunch we rounded up Sunny, who had been cared for during the ceremony by a good friend, P. Sunny had decided she didn’t want to go to the adoption, which was just fine. P took her to run some errands, then to the Dollar Store, and out for a good Burmese lunch. She generally got a good spoiling, for which I am grateful.
But as I could have predicted, the second we got Sunny back, the bickering started between the girls. Then we added Kiddo to the mix as it was a Friday. Sunny and Kiddo ganged up on Sprout instantly and tried to take all their jealousy out on her.
It was a rough evening.
The thing is, I totally understand why the girls had a hard time with Sprout being adopted. For one thing, Sprout scored the mother load of stuff at the event. And while P and S bought stuff for Sunny too, Sprout had the biggest haul from the day. But more importantly, Sunny and Kiddo both somehow get that adoption is a Big Deal, and that it means Sprout is officially ours in a way Kiddo won’t ever be, and Sunny is unlikely to be and isn’t sure she even really wants to be. It is a confused muddle of Great Big Giant Feelings.
I tried to reassure Sunny and Kiddo that nothing has changed for them. They’re still “our” girls. Kiddo finally relaxed a bit when, at bedtime, I gave her a hug and whispered “Please don’t worry. You’ll always be our ‘firstborn’ kid!” Seth then had a long conversation with her when he tucked her in, too.
Saturday went way better than Friday evening, but no matter how you look at it, there’s going to be jealousy for quite some time. Perhaps for good.
As for my own feelings? I wound up getting up at midnight when the house was finally quiet just so I could feel for a few minutes. Here are some of my thoughts:
- I’m elated that Sprout is “ours” and the agency can’t remove her from our care on a whim. This relief is still my primary emotion.
- It’s still sinking in that I have a daughter! I’ve had kids for 8 years now, including Kiddo for a literal 8 years, knowing she’ll likely be in our lives forever. But having a daughter I don’t use any qualifiers for is different. She’s not my “former foster kiddo who still spends weekends with us,” and she’s not my “foster” daughter. She’s just my daughter. My brain isn’t as elastic as it once was and is still stretching to encompass this concept.
- My Dad is having his own brain stretched. He noted that it’s really weird to refer to “granddaughters,” plural!
- I’m so lucky that my family treasures Sprout and recognizes her as “theirs” – their niece, their granddaughter, their cousin. That’s not always the case, and in fact on Seth’s side of the family, I’d venture to say that Sprout won’t ever be as much a grandkid as the bio ones. She’s a proper niece for some of Seth’s siblings but it doesn’t seem like all. It makes me sad and angry, but it is what it is. We’ll just put our time and energy into the family who will treat Sprout like she belongs.
- We are extremely lucky when it comes to friends! Our church as a whole is elated for us all and is welcoming their little Muslim Sprout with open arms. S (who came to the adoption and once got fired for protecting Sprout – long story) of course adores Sprout, and is an adoptee and an adoptive Mom from foster care, so gets the complexity of things. P (who took care of Sunny on Friday) and her wife J are adoptive Moms out of foster care too, with 5 adopted boys. They get it. My friend M cried when she did our wills for us, so happy that we’re finally here after 3 1/2 years with Sprout. My Messenger “family” (three dear friends from college) have followed along and supported us from the get go. One made Sprout the cutest t-shirt with her new initials on it. Seth’s co-worker T sent Sprout a lovely adoption day card. I could go on and on. It’s just so beautiful to be able to sit back and recognize how loved this kid is, and how much support we have. I can’t say enough good about our friends/chosen family.
On the whole? I’m enjoying letting my emotions unfold. Life is really damn good. ❤️
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