An interview of my partner in crime

I decided to follow the lead of my dear friend Emily whose awesome blog involves interviewing people. I’ll never get my husband to do his own guest post, so I decided to interview him.

Here he is in all his glory, the man, the myth, the legend: Seth.

H: I think I know the answer to this already, but are you glad we became foster parents 5 1/2 years ago?

S: That’s a yes.

H: Can you elaborate on that?

S: I have to elaborate?

H: Yes. You do.

S: Damnit.

Well, if it wasn’t for foster care I wouldn’t have gone to nursing school. So there’s that.

Boom.

Mic drop.

H: Pick that mic back up. I’m not done with you yet.

S: *groan*

H: What comment do you get most often from people when you tell them you’re a foster parent?

S: Usually I get “That must be really hard I don’t think I could do that.” I think that’s the most common one. I usually respond with “Well, my wife and I joke about it sometimes but we’re really serious about it: there’s a reason we both have therapists, because in order to be a foster parent you have to deal with your grief when kids go home, and you have to deal with your Stuff.”

H: I love my therapist more than I can express. And you are so right that she’s crucial to my being able to be a good foster parent.

Along that line, what makes a good foster parent?

S: You’ve gotta have somebody who is compassionate and loving but can fight for the children and separate their own wants and needs from what is actually best for the kids. I think that what happens so often is that people end up becoming foster parents to “save” kids but they don’t think through what is actually best for the kid versus what they themselves want. You have to step back and think about whether your bias is affecting your decisions and also if what you want is in the best interest of the kid or is just that you can’t let go.

H: A savior complex is so problematic in so many ways. I think people get in trouble when they assume that all people who get their kids taken away “don’t deserve their kids.” Life is complex, and trauma shapes the lives of the vast majority of people who have their kids enter the system. I’ve mentioned before that more than one of our kids’ parents grew up in foster care themselves. Compassion for the parents is required as much as is compassion for the kids. And sometimes that’s hard.

What advice do you have for people who are considering becoming foster parents?

S: We already mentioned get a therapist. That’s my advice to most people actually. But anyway.

It’s a trial by fire system. It’s a messed up system and it’s hard to understand until you’re IN IT. There’s no golden nugget of advice anyone could have given us that would have prevented us from going down some of the bad roads we went down. I think the only advice I have is something our homefinder gave us when we became foster parents: “Be clear about your boundaries with the system.” The system is like a machine, or more accurately like a power tool, (H: seriously? Power tool? S: this is an interview with Seth, after all…) you have to be careful with it. The tool will take off your finger if you aren’t careful. The system is like that in that it will push you right past your breaking point if you don’t know how to shut off the switch and say “I’ve had enough.”

Seth gets up from the table and walks away

H: Hey! I’m not done with you yet!

S: I’m getting ice cream. I need my strength. In ice cream I trust.

H: zomg.

Ok. You’re fortified. Now. What’s your favorite thing about being a foster parent?

S: The amazing beauty and joy that these kids bring into our lives.

H: Amen.

S: I said in my graduation speech: you can learn things from kids, especially kids who have gone through hard times.

H: Like what have you learned from the kids?

S: One thing foster kids will teach you is that you can make it through really hard things and you can still carry on and have moments of happiness.

In my particular case they taught me what I want to be when I grew up, too.

They also teach us how to be more present and live in the moment because most of them do. They find joy in little things. Like ice cream, for example. And chocolate sauce.

I feel like our time with Kiddo really honed my observation skills – we got good at trying to understand what was going on with her because she was nonverbal when she was upset and we had no idea what was going to set her off so we were always watching to see what was causing problems for her.

The other piece of that was when she was upset it really taught me to be THERE and present for her. And nothing necessarily needed to be said but you just needed to be there. And that’s a skill that we as humans forget about. Silent support. It’s something they talk about in nursing school. It’s something I’m now good at and comfortable with: sitting with someone who is hurting in silence and holding their hand. People want to fix problems but you can’t. We’re led to believe we need to fix everything but we can’t. And that’s ok.

H: Well said. I spend a lot of time just holding Tiny while she hurts. It hurts my heart but what she needs then is just me. As I am. I can’t fix her longing for her Mama, but I can hold her while she cries. And that’s huge. It’s a painful skill to learn but it’s monumental.

I want to end on a happier note. What’s a funny foster parenting moment you want to share?

S: Good lord. I don’t know. The funny moment that comes to mind is not blog appropriate.

H: Heh, dare I ask?

S: The conversation we had with Miss Kicks and Kiddo on the way to church one day recently, where Kiddo loudly said out of nowhere that girls have vaginas and boys have penises and then elaborated on the subject, and Miss Kicks was mortified, and Kiddo thought it was hilarious that Miss Kicks was so bothered by it. So then boobs came into the conversation too.

H: I remember laughing so hard I was having trouble seeing through my tears and I was trying so hard to respond to Kiddo nonchalantly but I just couldn’t. Kiddo was so proud of all her Big Kid knowledge! And Miss Kicks wanted the earth to swallow her rather than having to discuss private parts with her brand new Old As Hell foster parents. Ha! That was a beaut! Thank god we were in the car and not in public because it would be just like Kiddo to have that convo in public at full volume…

Personally I’m a fan of Kiddo asking me “where babies come from” while I was driving her home through the worst blizzard I’ve ever driven in. The kid has impeccable timing!

I love all those embarrassing parenting moments. Love them. They’re hilarious. Like recently when Tiny announced at top volume in Five Below “Mommy, I poop in my pants.” I got a sympathetic look from a fellow Mom, and a giggle from a teenage employee. Ha!

And on THAT note, thanks for reading folks! Keep on keeping on.