Moving On

Miss Kicks is still AWOL and the police are still looking for her, much to her dismay. Until yesterday we had ongoing contact with her on Messenger, but her messages have been getting increasingly nasty and antagonistic. She’s not giving away where she is, and all that was coming out of the continued connection was frustration and anger on my part, so I blocked her on all 4 of her FB accounts. I looked up how to block her on Snapchat (I’m old, humor me) and did that too.

I feel embarrassed and guilty for being angry at a hurting kid. But good goddamn. She has the knack of getting under my skin when she wants to. The child can be mean when she wants to drive people away. Alas, I am not the bigger person who can continue to be a resource for her. I’ve had my fill of hurting teenage anger for now.

So, we move on. We are currently purging her room of her belongings so her case worker can come get them next week. We are finding lots of stuff she sticky fingered and are reclaiming it. It feels awful but satisfying at the same time.

Honestly it’s a strange sensation. I’ve packed up kids plenty of times before – technically at least once for each of the 12 kids who have left our care, and I did it twice for Kiddo because of a snafu in the courts that made us think she was going home months before she actually did. It’s always been some combination of bitter and sweet before (ok, with Gronckle it was purely bitter but usually it’s a combo). It’s never felt like performing an exorcism on the house before. But that’s kind of how it feels.

I can’t wait until her things are gone and the room is set up and waiting for a new kiddo to come as soon as my health will support adding more chaos to our lives.

I feel like I sound bitter and jaded and I suppose in some ways I am feeling that right now. Miss Kicks had an amazing opportunity in our family and turned it down for the streets. But it’s not really her fault per se. It was her decision, but what does a mixed up 16 year old who has experienced a lifetime of trauma have for perspective on the world? She’s been trying so hard in her messages to hurt me, and she’s succeeded, but my hurts will fade. If anything she’s gotten me to feel less sadness about the whole thing and more resolve. I’m more certain than ever that she can’t come back to us. I’m not sure what her future holds but I pray it holds safety and some happiness somewhere along the way.

I am excited to move on and open for another child hopefully before too long. I never want kids to have to be in foster care, but I confess to enjoying the process of meeting and getting to know each new human who enters our lives through foster care. Whether it ends well or badly or somewhere in between, the kids are, ultimately, worth all they cost us emotionally. Even Miss Kicks.

And until we open for another kid, we continue to enjoy Tiny full time and Kiddo on weekends. Tiny is starting violin lessons in August! Her new violin teacher was incredulous when I told her Tiny can count to 12 and sing the ABCs and she just turned 3 in May. That seems… normal to me. Apparently the ability to count and know the order of the letters A-G is crucial for starting a kid as young as Tiny on an instrument (which even in size 1/16 is going to be almost as big as she is). I’m hoping Tiny will surprise the teacher with her focus and drive, too. She’s an amazing kid.

I have a fun trip planned to Legoland in August too, where we will meet up with a dear friend from College and her two boys for a couple of days of magical fun.

Both Kiddo and Tiny are thriving and growing and the source of tremendous joy and love. I’m so grateful I’ve been blessed with this time with them. Someday maybe I’ll feel gratitude for having had the fun of meeting Miss Kicks, too, after the scars fade.