Sprout’s Little Bitty Voice Matters

We had a home visit by Sprout’s new case worker yesterday, and my brain has been churning with thoughts ever since.

For the most part it was a perfectly ordinary home visit. She brought Sprout a new teddy bear and a fuzzy blanket that’s pink with green frogs on it. Sprout was super polite about both gifts but told me this morning she doesn’t like the Pepto Bismol pink bear, so it’ll go to a new home.

The case worker got a tour of the house, and was afraid of the Guinea pigs and a little afraid of the cats. We chatted about how Sprout is doing, her upcoming medical appointments, and her diagnoses. We talked about Sprout’s Mama, and her new apartment, and generalities about life as a case worker.

Then she dropped a really freaking important question. She asked us if we’d be willing to be Sprout’s guardians, rather than adopting her.

I was bowled over. No one at the county had asked us that and I’ve been afraid to ask the question for fear they’d think we were hesitant about the commitment. But it’s something we’ve been stewing about for months now.

Adoption is trauma. Period. It permanently severs a parental relationship with the first parents. It causes the creation of a new birth certificate with the adoptive parents’ names on it which I HATE. Someone’s birth story is their birth story! They have parents, and particularly a mother, who was there when the child was born. The wiping out of that record seems like the erasure of a child’s truth that just adds to the loss a child is already suffering. And in our sweet Sprout’s case, it would sort of wipe out her cultural identity.

Would we be overjoyed to adopt Sprout and have her as our daughter? Yes yes yes! We love her and want her to be “ours” forever! But what we want should be secondary to what the child wants and needs.

Sprout is only 3, almost 4. She doesn’t understand the implications of adoption. But even so, she’s given us some signs that she doesn’t want to be severed that way from her parentage and history. She is adamant that she doesn’t want to change her name and add ours, which we will honor whichever way this goes. She understands that she has TWO mamas, not just me, and asks to visit her first Mama regularly. And asked if she wants to be a permanent part of our family she says “But I have a family. I have Mama [name], and [sibling names] too.”

So for months Seth and I have been chewing on the idea of becoming her permanent legal guardians, rather than adopting her. We can always change things down the road if she reaches an age where we feel like she understands what adoption is and suddenly wakes up wanting to be adopted. But an adoption can’t be undone so we can just be her guardians down the road. We could more easily tackle changing guardianship to adoption if she so chooses when she’s older.

I don’t know whether this is really possible. I don’t know if the Judge or County will allow it. I don’t know if the court will sever Sprout’s parents’ legal rights if we go the guardianship route.

I also don’t know what the financial implications are. I know there are potential implications for disability (Sprout should qualify, and maybe is already receiving disability payments but the County would be taking it if she is – that’s a subject for another whole blog post!). Whatever route we go needs to get us as much money that we can put in trust for Sprout as possible because she IS disabled and may struggle to support herself in the future, and we are far from millionaires so setting aside our income for a trust will be hard – we are barely squeaking by most of the time. I don’t know if I can put SSDI payments into a trust. I don’t know if we can get a county subsidy and SSDI. I don’t know… well it feels like anything!

I reached out to a lawyer immediately after the case worker left so hopefully I’ll hear back soon and can start getting some answers. But I find myself hoping that we can do permanent guardianship. It makes my guts feel WAY less squiggly than adopting a kid who may not really want to be adopted once she’s old enough to understand it all.

And really when it comes down to it, what Sprout wants is really what matters.