One of the many challenges of foster parenting revolves around food. It’s an exhausting problem because there’s no escaping it – we all need to eat multiple times a day.
When kids first come to us I make it clear they can ALWAYS have a snack from a particular tray in the pantry. It’s currently got granola bars, nutrigrain bars, peanut butter stuffed pretzels, and grape pull-aparts. I also always have apples available for snacks, and little containers of yogurt.
When I say they can always have snacks I mean always. I mean if we are having dinner in a half hour, in the middle of the night, right after dinner, etc., those snacks are fair game.
Why am I so liberal with the snacks? Because most, though not all, kids in foster care have experienced food insecurity at some point. That means they’ve gone to bed or to school hungry. That means they’ve looked in bare pantries. That means they’ve wondered what their next meal would be. And hunger is a primal urge that leaves an indelible mark on a child’s neural pathways.
What does that look like? It looks like a kid getting anxious if they’re forced to experience hunger for any period of time. It looks like tantrums sometimes, as they panic about being denied food when they’re hungry. (Both Sprout and Kiddo get hangry on an epic level). I want kids to be as relaxed as possible at my house so they can heal, and that means eliminating anxiety around hunger as much as possible.
I also allow a lot of junk food in the beginning of a placement because that’s probably familiar. Our country has created terrible inner city food deserts so families without transportation may be subsisting off snacks from a corner store. We have also made junk food cheaper than healthy food. Doritos or ramen noodles are a kid’s comfort food? Then at first they get them liberally. I then try to cut back in frequency after a child has settled in. So far that strategy has worked well.
Food is also something kids can control and if there’s one thing a foster child is lacking, it’s a sense of control about anything important in their life. They’ve been stripped from family, home, and often school. Everything smells different and routines are different. They’ve got no say in any of that. But they CAN control what they put in their bodies. So having fights with a foster child about food could turn into epic battles that don’t get either person any further ahead, and I want to avoid that at all costs.
That said, some battles are worth fighting. Craftily.
Sunny has come to us declaring that the only things she eats are chicken nuggets and French fries. Period. So for the first two days, she ate chicken nuggets and French fries and nothing else.
Then in desperation I did a thing. I got out my Burmese cookbooks, found a recipe for a beef and potato curry that looked good, shopped for the ingredients on Instacart, and spent an entire morning cooking it.
Part way through its cooking, Sunny declared the house suddenly smelled like her Mom’s house. I just said “Oh yeah? That must be nice.” I kept cooking. She declared repeatedly while I cooked that she doesn’t like anything except chicken nuggets and French fries.
Then I added the curry and garam masala for the last 20 minutes of cooking and she got quiet. As I finished the cooking, I offered her the opportunity to try it. She nodded. Then she sat down by her bowl and exclaimed, “My grandma makes this! It’s sooo good! It’s one of my favorites!” The child ate a shocking amount of beef curry and rice. I was silently delighted to be getting her to eat something else, and to be giving her a little dose of comfort food.
When she had finished she asked to call her Mama, and told her I’d made her Burmese food. Her Mama was speechless, then asked me please to cook some and bring it to her other children who are currently at another foster home. I assured her I would if the other foster mom agrees to it on Monday.
Today? Sunny has eaten an apple, a yogurt, a granola bar, and some grapes, and has declared she can’t wait for more of the beef curry at lunch. I think we broke through a little trust barrier by making a familiar comfort food.
Foster parenting requires crafty creativity sometimes. 🙂 I don’t think I’ve “won” any battles, but I did make a tiny bit of progress. Wish me luck on the next challenge!
sprinklesonachaoscupcake.com 