We got a call last week for a 4-year-old little boy with feeding problems and behavioral challenges.
I’d sworn we were done fostering except for Sunny and Sprout and maybe other family members of theirs. We got rid of all of our fostering stuff – clothing and cribs and toddler beds included.
But. Feeding problems are our specialty! And the agency was sounding rather desperate for help with this little guy, and acknowledged we were known to cope with some more “challenging” cases, so I gullibly said yes.
I was at a medical appointment in the Southern Tier when I said yes. I drove back to the city and met the little guy at the doctor’s office.
I knew pretty quickly we were in trouble.
The agency had warned they thought the little guy was autistic because he had been doing some head banging the first day he’d been with them, didn’t speak, and was seemingly doing better with a weighted vest on. Autism was, however, the least of my worries upon meeting him.
To sum it up: he’s a flight risk. It took three adults plus the medical staff to keep the little guy in the exam room! He’d try to flee and I’d grab him, and then he’d writhe in remarkably effective ways in my arms to get himself put down so I didn’t drop him. The doctor’s office has the lab separate from the exam rooms so we had quite a bit of time in waiting rooms trying to corral the little guy, and hot diggety. He had three adults covered in sweat by the time we got done.
I eventually got him home safely. I released him into our house, and we barricaded the doors as best we could. We then worked on figuring out what the little guy needed.
The good news is we had him eating just fine. All the agency had given him was plain bread because allegedly the child’s mother had said he eats bread, and a nutter butter. Sigh. But he likes apples and grapes, chicken and broccoli, crackers, granola bars, and of course bread. He ate healthy amounts of all of those things except the broccoli, which induced some puzzled expressions and got left after the first bite. The sad part though? He would only eat off the floor. Once we figured out that sitting at the table was entirely alien to him and we put his plate on the floor, he ate healthily.
I do not want to know what this poor child’s life was like but I can make some guesses, and it strikes me that sometimes the word “neglect” doesn’t go quite far enough.
Anywho, the only thing that went well was ingestion. By the time the head of the triage division of the agency texted me that evening to find out how things were going, I was virtually in tears. Our little friend had trashed the house epically, was literally climbing my furniture and flinging himself off it with stereotypical little boy energy, could not be unobserved for 15 seconds because he’d Houdini himself out the doors no matter what we put in front of them (note: it takes more than 15 seconds to pee), and was going after Sprout like it was an episode of the Hunger Games. He was fine with Sunny.
I texted back with the truth: it was not going well and I was worried about my ability to keep our little Sprout safe from him. Bless her, rather than try to convince us to keep him, the head of triage immediately sent out emails to her staff about figuring out a different plan the following day. Houdini skills are one thing, but hair pulling, clawing take-downs of my beloved 5-year-old are another.
In the end, things worked out well, I think, thank heavens. The agency expedited their review of a relative who had stepped up to take the little guy, and he went home with said relative that day. If it’s going to work with the relative, we may as well find out right away! And the fewer foster homes he has to go through, the better. All I can do from here on out is say some prayers and send him some good vibes and hope for the best for him.
A couple of random things worth noting:
1. I think people are quick to yell “autism” when a foster child is not speaking, but it’s not always the reason. We had the little guy using about 10 words (horse, neigh, no, yes, apple, bread, ow, up, hug) in less than 24 hours. We also sang him the alphabet song a number of times, and to my delight, he could sing his own way about 1/2 way through it by the time he left. At the doctor’s recommendation, we removed his weighted vest, and he did just fine without it. He slept through the night with no issue (though I didn’t because I was keeping vigil in case he awoke and made a break for it). We also saw no signs of stimming, nothing that looked like a meltdown, and no obvious sensory issues. Now, he may be autistic. God knows it can be hard to tell! But I don’t think autism is his primary challenge – I think abominably severe neglect is. Sigh. It’s so sad. He’s a very, very bright kid. He figured out things that baffle my 9-year-old, like the door locks, in a heartbeat. I’m hoping he’ll catch up in the right environment.
2. My village is ever-expanding and awesome beyond words. I put out a call on Facebook for an emergency toddler bed, and within minutes had TWO offered to me! One had a mattress that was just not ok anymore, so we took up both folks on their offers and grabbed a bed from one and mattress from the other.
I mean, I’m not exaggerating. It was within minutes that we had two volunteers! Both folks also went through their kids’ clothing store piles, and the one who had the right sizes pulled out anything that might fit the little guy, washed and folded it all, and gave it to us with the bed. I don’t know this woman except through a buy nothing group, but she went above and beyond for a child in need.
Despite the soul shattering neglect I think this child endured, I am reminded too that there are good people in this world… even those of a different political affiliation, I might add. The lady who got the bed and clothing together for me walks a very different political line than I do. I’m grateful for the reminder to put some of the rhetoric aside on occasion.
I’m also reminded of why we said we are done except for this amazing family we already have with us. It’s just where we are in our lives right now.
No more placements!
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