Struggling to Parent Sunny

I’ve written before about how Sunny is a difficult kid to parent. I’m not sure I’ve really emphasized that enough, though.

Folks, I’m struggling with parenting her fairly.

Sunny has learned, through no fault of her own, to be manipulative and pushy. Those were attributes that got her needs met when she was home with her Mama for 8 years.

She CAN be a super sweet kid. Briefly. At times. But more often than not she is a challenge for me.

One way she challenges me? Asking for things in ways that trigger me. For example, instead of asking “Mom, could I get piano lessons?” She says in a sulky voice: “How come you haven’t gotten me lessons so I can learn to play this thing?” Instead of saying “Mom, [Sprout] needs her nails cut, she’ll say “Why haven’t you cut [Sprout’s] claws yet?”

When I say this is how she phrases every question, I am not exaggerating one little iota. It’s always accusatory. Every time. And it pushes my buttons.

She’s also got a habit of dropping her garbage on my floors. Bits of play doh, straw wrappers (I had to ban juice boxes from my house), candy wrappers that she didn’t get permission to eat but magically found somehow, tiny scraps of paper that she’s cut up (I had to hide all the kids’ scissors), her probiotic bottles (she took to stuffing those into the couch rather than dropping them on the floor). It’s a habit she developed at home I think because her Mom picked up everything for her? I’m not really sure why the habit developed but having been to their old apartment buildings I know the ground outside the house and the stairwell inside were covered in litter, though inside the apartment itself was picked up.

Let me tell you, the garbage on the floor thing is slowly driving me ‘round the twist. We always make her pick it up herself, which she complains about and does as slowly as humanly possible. We’ve tried taking away privileges, assigning chores, and I’ve even resorted to yelling a couple of times when I just plain lost my cool about it. Nothing works. She doesn’t respect her space, or my space, enough to keep garbage off the surfaces. Or else she thinks it’s someone else’s job to clean up after her. Or else… I don’t know what else, it’s just exasperating in the extreme to come into a room that’s been coated liberally in trash by Sunny.

Sunny also is extremely manipulative with her little sister Sprout. The phrases “Do it or I won’t play with you any more,” and “Do you want me to tell Mom you did x? [Do what I want you to] or I will!” are uttered over and over again to get Sprout to play the way Sunny wants her to, and to get Sprout to be Sunny’s little servant, fetching things for her and picking up after her. I intervene when I hear the utterances, but I know I miss a ton of them.

Those are just a few examples of what frustrate me. There are more but you get the gist.

I have a hard time not feeling perpetual frustration with Sunny from all those little things that add up. And what happens is that I feel like I’m unfair to her. I don’t feel generous toward her and say “no” to her way too often. I know I should be creating opportunities to say yes to appropriate requests. I should also be building Sunny up as best I can. I should be having her rephrase things politely and then saying yes when it’s appropriate.

But sheesh. I am human, after all. And it all gets to me and makes me just want to say no to every single demand/request she utters. And it makes me want to YELL because of built up frustration.

Sunny doesn’t get spontaneous affection out of me the way Sprout does. Sprout is such a good kid. She’s genuinely affectionate and loving. When Sunny demands “I want a hug,” my visceral response is often that I don’t want to hug her because of built up frustrations over the course of the day, the week, the year. I try to make myself give her hugs but suck at doing it spontaneously.

I’m in therapy, and have an amazeballs therapist. We talk a lot about parenting Sunny. I’m also listening to podcasts on parenting difficult kids. I’ve read a lot of great parenting books over the years. But I cannot seem to break out of this current funk I have regarding parenting Sunny. Every time I make progress she utters a particularly egregious statement and I feel set back. Sunny is also in therapy and gives her therapist a great deal of shit too.

I understand a lot of how she got to where she is. I have seen how her Mama functions (or sometimes doesn’t). I’ve seen how her siblings interact. I get that Sunny developed habits to get her needs met and 8 years of fundamental development doesn’t disappear overnight. But despite knowing all that, my compassion fatigue is real right now, especially after a week off school when Sunny and I have been together 24/7 for eight days now.

Because I’m a foster parent to Sunny and because her status with us is in constant limbo, both my husband and I have found ourselves wishing the court and agency would finally do what has been threatened for ages, and send her to live with the relative who is caring for her brothers and sister. It is, after all, what Sunny wants to have happen. Is it what’s best for Sunny? Lord knows. There is no “best” answer for her. She’s getting a better education here in our tiny district that is pouring all the services it can into her than she would in a big impoverished city district where her relative lives. She’s getting the best medical care available in the world while she’s with us. She’s got more material things here than she’d have there, but I’m not convinced that matters. She’d have stricter discipline there – her relative takes no prisoners – and that might actually be better for her. My gentler parenting ain’t getting us anywhere.

At this point I’m fairly convinced that sending her to her relative is what’s best for her. I think frustration about her situation is not helping with any of her behaviors. She wants to be home with her siblings and relatives. Period. And I can’t say as I blame her.

What would the fallout be here if she goes home? It would, frankly, at this point be a lot of relief for my husband and me. Less stress, more energy to devote to Sprout and Kiddo. Sooo much less daily frustration.

But Sprout? Oh my god. She’d be devastated to lose her sister. They play together and giggle together a great deal, and I hate to think of Sprout growing up without any siblings in her life except for monthly or every other monthly visits to see her family.

Gah. There is no good solution here. I am still leaning toward Sunny going home as being what’s best but it’s a close call. It’s what’s best for me, but my needs are hardly what matter. It’s the kids’ needs that are so important.

Foster parenting kids who have experienced trauma and grown up in dysfunctional families is not for the faint of heart. And foster parent compassion fatigue is a real thing. I know, because I’m awash in it. Awash in compassion fatigue, and rude demands and bossiness and litter on my floors and counters and tables and couches…