Foster care is nothing if not filled with uncertainty.
We have 10-year-old Sunny with us still. She’s been here 519 days counting today.
She says she still wants to go home, but my suspicion is that she would have a very hard time transitioning back to her old style of family life. Her family is very, very loving – never doubt that. But they live with very little because of both poverty and culture. I haven’t been to her relative’s house where she would likely go if she left, but I have been to her Mom’s and Auntie’s apartments and they are very spare. They have almost no furniture, just a few rugs for sitting and eating on, and a single small couch at her Auntie’s. I haven’t been in the bedrooms but know that her Mom’s house used to have bed rolls rather than beds for the family. They have very little clothing, though it is often peppered with a brand name t-shirt or nice Nike sneakers. But the number of articles of clothing is small, and reworn often. And those nice Nikes get worn every single day.
Sunny is now used to being a bit spoiled. She has a fully furnished house with wifi, an iPad to call her own, and a television in the play room. She has Disney+, Netflix, and Prime video (all with age appropriate limits in place). She has 3 pairs of Nikes and a pair of nice winter boots and a pair of Hey Dudes that she lives in. She’s got a big bureau that is absolutely full of stylish and name brand clothing, carefully tailored to fit her with her dwarfism. She goes to school and comes home to play time on her iPad, with her voluminous art and craft supplies, with her Reborn Baby, with Lite Brite, with bow and arrows, etc. She has toys GALORE. She doesn’t have Arabic School after regular school every day. She has her own carpeted bedroom fully furnished with bed and dresser and a lovely little desk. She’s used to space, alone time when she wants it, and stuff.
She is also extremely attached to her little sister Sprout. It used to be that the two of them butted heads and fought nonstop. Both wanted to be top dog in the relationship, and despite Sunny’s 5 years on her, Sprout was having none of that. But over time and with lots of rules in place about conduct, they’ve learned to work out a lot of their differences. In a perfect example of “be careful what you wish for,” they drive me crazy now when they play together because they are wild. They positively shriek with laughter through tickle fights, through kitchen play, through epic sword fights, through games of mom and daughter, etc. Honestly, it’s a joy to have them get along, but I miss being able to hear myself think!
Both girls would be absolutely devastated by a separation. But would Sunny ever truly be okay if she stays here? The situation reminds me of Kiddo when she was with us. As tumultuous as her home life still is, Kiddo needed to be home with her Mom. She was never going to be okay staying with us forever. I don’t know about Sunny, but the longer she stays here, the harder a transition home would be. I also know she will likely always fantasize about being “home” without really comprehending all she’d lose if she transitioned back, with daily play with Sprout being the biggest loss.
There’s also her schooling at issue. Sunny has had one and a half years of formal education because her attendance was so poor that she learned nothing during her years before coming to us. Add to the poor attendance that she is borderline for an intellectual disability, and that her former city school districts had her in “life skills” classes because they’d written her off as ever being able to learn. In short: she didn’t know the alphabet, much less to read, when she came to us at age 8 1/2. Now she is in a stellar district giving her tons of 1:1 help, in a tiny class of only 8 kids, with push in services of PT, OT, and speech therapy every week. She’s reading a bit and loves math. She’s improved physically tremendously with the regular gym and PT work, and her pain levels are down because her muscle strength is up. And her orthopedic surgeon is down in Delaware, where her family won’t be able to take her.
Sunny now also may need a couple of knee surgeries. That’s up in the air as to whether the agency will let us proceed with those. And again, her family won’t be able to juggle those medical needs very well because of language barrier, poverty, and lack of understanding about the medical system.
The other question looming over us is regarding the girls’ big sister. We were supposed to have court on the 12th but it got cancelled and turned into a motion deadline. I don’t know if it got cancelled because the attorney for the kids is satisfied with what’s happening regarding her medical care? Or if it was turned into a motion deadline because she’s filing a motion for the big sister to come to us, like the attorney has talked about in the past? Our current case worker doesn’t like us, ignores almost all contact from me, doesn’t give us any information about what’s going on, and doesn’t even do monthly home visits during which we could ask questions. We’ve got nothing to work with.
So not only do we not know how long Sunny might stay, we don’t know whether we might have a 14-year-old sibling placed with us. 🤷🏼
The uncertainty used to just kill me. I’d be frantic with worry, and the discomfort that comes from not knowing how many or which kids might be in our home from day-to-day. I’ve gotten slowly better at the not knowing over time, and this case is curing me of impatience altogether.
It’s taken 8+ years, but uncertainty no longer throws me for a loop.
I worry about Sunny if she goes home to her relative. But I’ll work through it if it happens, help her family navigate medical issues as best I can, and get a damn good therapist for Sprout on board to help her cope with the devastating loss of her sister.
I worry if Sunny stays here she will be discontent and will flee back to her family the day she turns age 18. To be clear, it’s not the fleeing back that worries me. It’s the damage all the longing for home will cause her.
But, life goes on. And while I wonder about the future (will we have 2 1/2 kids forever like we have now? Or go to 1 1/2? Or 3 1/2 and have to buy a mini van?), it doesn’t make me feel faint with frantic anxiety like it used to.
Today, Sprout and hubby are down in Delaware with that amazing pediatric dwarfism specialist as she prepares for her own knee surgery tomorrow. I’ve got enough to focus on other than the worry. It’s just that cursed 3 am time that still gets me on occasion.
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